Help! I Need to Become More Mindful
ARI'S ROCK MUSIC
Listen more - Free mp3s - Buy
I’ve always loved daydreaming. Ever since I was little, I’ve always had hyper-active imagination. Sometimes when I’m walking, I would bump into things — like a telephone post, for example — because I was looking down and daydreaming, not really paying attention to what may be awaiting above my forehead.
I consider my imagination to be one of my best assets, but my current challenge is to unlearn this bad habit I’ve had all my life. Of not being engaged in present.
Let me tell you what are the problems of not being mindful: forgetfulness and poor execution.
I have always been a forgetful person, but nowadays I’m positively disgusted by how poor my memory is. This is because I wasn’t engaged in what I was doing. My wife constantly asks me where I put things, when I do the dishes or put away laundry. I argue that I shouldn’t be expected to remember every detail, but I also have to admit that I don’t remember anything. I’m completely checked out while performing the task.
And this is not a way to do a great job. I’m sure I don’t need to explain why.
Zen Guitar tells me that I need to do each of things I do to the fullest extent — the best way it can be done. It doesn’t matter if I’m folding my own underwear or taking out garbage. It is of a poor spirit to do so in any other way. I’m not talking about results, but of attitude, approach. It can be overwhelming to think that I have to do everything with full-on attention, but Philip Toshio Sudo teaches not to think about it that way. Do the task at hand. Do it as well as it can be done. Then repeat.
I do know why I am not present so often. It’s because the task at hand doesn’t engage me.
My family, fortunately, are a very demanding bunch. I’m not infallible but when I’m with them, they force me to engage, which is good.
My various professional endeavors are also very challenging, and require my full attention. So my performance is not suffering there too badly.
But my driving is suffering, big time. I used to listen to music whenever I’m driving, but now I had to stop — I’m aware that I’m not paying attention to the road. I’m driving on automatic pilot. I often miss turns I’m supposed to take, for example. That may be harmless, but it won’t be as cute if what I miss is a stop sign.
And all my household chores are suffering. It’s affecting my family’s trust in my abilities because I forget to do many things and when I do them, I do them poorly.
Once I asked my wife how much of the time I am present. Her impression was that I was “not there” 90% of the time! Unacceptable.
Obviously I’ve read many advises on this issue, but many of them seem to either throw around generic advise like “be present,” “be engaged” without specific suggestions, or if they do have specific suggestions, they seem to be more about mental exercises separated from real-world actions. I’ve tried several exercises but so far they haven’t made major impact — because many of them are “sit still and focus your thought” variety and in my mind very disconnected from the reality of engaging in tasks at hand.
Of course, if my failures had grave consequences, that’ll make me focus better on any task at hand. But I don’t want to rely on fear to focus. I want to be able to control my own mind, subject it to my will.
Most tasks can be interpreted as worthy challenges. There is value in stacking dishes so that they are easy to take out, for example. And I do care about my family, and I want to do a good job for them. It’s not for the lack of my care that I check out. It’s because it is a thoroughly ingrained habit.
What I need help is a practical, applicable strategy to apply that concept into action. We all do things we know are not good for us with full awareness of that fact — from watching TV to eating junk food. Awareness is the beginning of solution but it’s powerless by itself.
So far I’m just trying to be diligently self aware of what I’m doing and thinking, and snapping myself back into the present whenever I’m drifting off. If I’m alone, I speak out loud what I’m doing, and that seems to help.
Steve Pavlina recently mused on strategy for habit change. He says that like a game of chess, you need to prepare and develop strategy for a habit change before you try to implement it, so you are not fighting a hopeless battle, counting on sheer will to force your way through. That is precisely what I need help with.
If you have suggestions, I’m all ears. Thanks in advance for your input!
Welcome, new visitor! Thanks for visiting my site. My name is Ari Koinuma, and this is my blog about becoming who you are meant to be.
Be sure to check out the home page, which will give you an overview of this site and points out some of the major themes. If you enjoy what you see, please drop me a comment, or subscribe, so we can keep in touch. I look forward to getting to know you!
Related Posts
Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.
‘Being present’ or ‘engage in your current task’ is actually quite practical advice. It just takes time.
Do think about what has changed to make you have poor memory. In my early days of blogging, I got so obsessed with it, that I couldn’t focus on anything else. When I got my blogging priorities straight and balanced time over there, things came back to normal. Do think about what is taking up your time mentally and see if you can do something about it.
(one of the best solution has been to take a complete break from whatever is causing distraction if possible)
Have fixed places for household things so that you don’t have to remember them anymore.
For household tasks, make them fun and interactive by involving family. This way, you will get to spend more time with them and stay in present (because you will enjoy the time).
[Reply]
Ari Koinuma reply on August 13th, 2008 8:47 am:
Hi Avani,
Thanks for the tips!
I do think that getting organized and prioritizing is helping. Like you said, much of the time I’m distracted, I’m thinking about one of my businesses. Just this week, I decided that I’m not going to set quota on my daily output — just commitment to put some effort. That eased the pressure quite a bit. When I started blogging professionally, I had this fear that I had to post at ## posts per week or something like that.
[Reply]
Firstly, my opinion that the notion your consciousness should always be consumed by the present and nothing else, is simply not optimal.
There are times and places for this. But realize, that if you really want to grow as a human being - you must also engage your intellect too.
For example, you can work on your will power while you’re taking a leisurely walk by meditating on the things you want to accomplish in life and making the effort to ingrain those thoughts. Or, during your walk you could focus your mind on eating healthier, and then when the moment of truth knocks on your door, you choose more wisely.
But the notion of always be present, present, present.
I’m sorry, I don’t agree.
And besides, no matter what you’re thinking of, you are thinking in the present. You can’t escape the present. Just that, sometimes it better for your mind to think of constructive things, then to mindlessly focus on the present moment.
The intellect matters. Use it.
Bamboo Forest’s last blog post..The Frightening Truth about Bloggers
[Reply]
Ari Koinuma reply on August 13th, 2008 10:24 pm:
Hi Bamboo,
Well, I agree that there’s time and place for this. Like, shower is a place where it’s safe to let my mind wander. What I’m saying is not that I need to be “present” all the time. I need to develop an ability to turn it on and off at will.
Driving is the prime example. It’s a mundane act, most of us drive on automatic pilot. But should we? My driving has a potential to cause great danger to myself and others. My biking or walking has, too, but to much lesser extent. I need to switch me to “present” when I’m driving.
I must not be doing too badly driving, as I haven’t gotten into an accident — yet. I haven’t damaged any of my relationships or reputations — yet. But I’m more distracted than I care to admit. This is what I’m working on in my on-going journey to master myself.
ari
[Reply]
I have to agree with Bamboo, but because I classify myself as a dreamer, I can relate and I’ll be empathetic (not to take anything away from Bamboo Forest!).
Being a dreamer has been and always will be a gift/curse for me. At meetings if I’m bored, I will be the first to stare off into space and daydream. I cannot do any mundane task, such as washing dishes, unless my mind is engaged in something as well. I’m forever curious and creative, and although I’m not a musician like you, I make my living off of my creativity.
From what I read, your daydreaming qualities are similar to mine. I make it a point to make sure I have an outlet for my creativity, time to *not* be present and be in another world. When I’m in the other world, I find all these great treasures and try to bring them back to this world called reality. My strengths are suppressed if I’m never allowed to travel outside of reality.
By giving myself times to allow myself to daydream, I am more capable to be present when it’s needed.
[Reply]
Ari Koinuma reply on August 13th, 2008 10:28 pm:
Al,
I think you’re on to something there — as with anything, daydreaming should have an outlet? Like you, I’m “ON” when the task at hand is actually difficult enough for me to engage my creativity.
I’m not after some kind of perfection. I just need to keep tabs on my distractions, and pull myself back if I’m in a situation where I need to be there. I am unbalanced at the moment — at least, according to my standards — so I want to get closer to the right balance.
Thanks for your input!
ari
[Reply]
Al at 7P reply on August 14th, 2008 6:35 am:
Hi Ari - yes, the key words in my opinion are “outlet” and “unbalanced,” as in if the creative energy doesn’t have a proper outlet, there’s an imbalance and it will come out when you don’t want it to.
In addition to having proper outlets (plural, because us folks with the gift/curse of active imaginations need multiple outlets), I find daily meditations helping to keep me in the present. Different people have different approaches to meditate, but for me, it’s my way of bringing myself to the here and now. At times when I’m really feeling imbalanced, I read the Tao Te Ching before I meditate.
Al at 7P’s last blog post..The Hero with a Thousand Jobs
[Reply]
Ari Koinuma reply on August 14th, 2008 4:27 pm:
Al,
That makes sense. I am building a habit of meditating at the start of the day — but I am not sure if it’s making any difference, other than just giving me a structure.
Thanks again for your input!
ari
“Well, I agree that there’s time and place for this. Like, shower is a place where it’s safe to let my mind wander. What I’m saying is not that I need to be “present” all the time. I need to develop an ability to turn it on and off at will.”
I went on a tangent. I’m just tired of the tired mantra of “always be present.” And what I speak of is *not* day dreaming. It’s meditating on ourselves, our lives, and what we set out to do. It’s thinking about wisdom over and over again, so that that very wisdom becomes a part of who we are.
Focusing on the present and only the present doesn’t lend itself to that. We need both.
As far as something such as driving. Yes, some autopilot is necessary. Do you realize it’s the BEGINNER driver who is NOT on autopilot? And they are terrible drivers. They have to think of every little thing they do. It’s their very thinking that gets in the way of sound driving.
The objective, is to ingrain certain functions so deep, they need not be thought of. But it doesn’t end there.
Though much of driving should be on autopilot, all of it should not. That’s where focus comes in. You have to inject a degree of focus. A little effort if you will. **Drive with effort.**
So, get rid of distractions. Talking on the phone is one. Sometimes music can too.
Watch the road. Watch what’s going on. Pay attention from the moment you get in your car to the moment you exit.
Then, your driving will improve.
Drive with effort.
Bamboo Forest’s last blog post..The Frightening Truth about Bloggers
[Reply]
Ari Koinuma reply on August 14th, 2008 9:05 pm:
Yeah Bamboo, I think we probably agree more than disagree here.
None of us are saying we need to be 100% focused on present, and you’re right, much of the act of driving becomes autopilot after a while. I like “drive with effort.”
Some things are not supposed to be totally effortless. I have to be able to summon my attention and focus on what I will it to.
ari
[Reply]
I see the three of you are having quite a discussion here (Bamboo, Al, and Ari)
Although I agree that sometimes the mind needs to go off on its own (when the task we’re involved with is just not in any way engaging), I think there is a problem when Ari just can’t remember where he’s putting stuff. What I do is, even if I’m thinking of something else while carrying out some mundane chore, I’ve trained myself to stop and think when I’m doing something that I will need to remember later. For example, if I’m putting things away in the kitchen, I don’t need to pay a lot of attention because I know where everything goes. But if I find something small that I can’t tell what it belongs to–like the top of something–I’ll think to myself: “Marelisa, remember that you put the little white top in the bottom left-hand drawer”. I guess it’s pockets of mindfulness amidst day dreaming 
Marelisa’s last blog post..Slow Down - 32 Ways to Start Now
[Reply]
Ari Koinuma reply on August 14th, 2008 9:07 pm:
Hey Marelisa,
Thanks for joining our little chat.
Yes, I started doing something along the same line. If you see me putting away stuff, I’d be talking to myself. Uhhh, no, I hope you won’t ever see me doing that. 
It’s funny, I do talk to myself all the time, especially when I’m focused. Like when computer starts acting up. Perhaps that’s just how I act when I’m engaged — and by talking to myself I can turn my engagement switch on.
Go figure.
ari
[Reply]
I know you weren’t advocating always focusing on ones surroundings (”present”)… But, I just wanted to throw my 2 yen in on that particular subject.
Bamboo Forest’s last blog post..The Frightening Truth about Bloggers
[Reply]
“Let me tell you what are the problems of not being mindful: forgetfulness and poor execution.”
That is very true. But it even goes beyond this. You don’t get to experience life to the fullest nor taste the freedom of being.
[Reply]
Ari Koinuma reply on August 15th, 2008 1:53 pm:
Hey Jarrod,
Yes, reading your posts reminded me about how I needed to correct this problem. I feel like I’m figuring out how I need to approach it, though.
ari
[Reply]
Hi there Ari - seeing you ask…
I like to think about these sorts of issues in terms of past lives - it sounds like you may have had many past lives being somehow lost from full consciousness - say in a state of religious or artistic ecstasy, an alcoholic or similar, or an inmate of an asylum.
These people love to do anything that brings then into present time, such as fixing things, computer work, filling in forms and surveys (they like the way they are brought into present time by filling in a box) - because it is a huge joy to be fully conscious at last. At the same time they often struggle with being present because part of them yearns for the past familiar feeling of relaxing into the universal consciousness. These people never get any lasting satisfaction from reverting to the old path (like, say, spending hours every day chanting) - they get satisfaction from going forward in their new path e.g. being a busy bee doing things, playing a musical instrument.
If you are one of these people, it might help to firstly just observe when you are on your joyous new path of being present in what you are doing, and when you are reverting to your old pattern of drifting off - on the principal that observing is the first step to resolving something. Then secondly, do more of the nitty-gritty present time things like fixing things, practising guitar and filling in boxes (including blog post boxes).
Apologies if this is not relevant to you!
Robin’s last blog post..Letting Creativity Just Slip In
[Reply]
Ari Koinuma reply on August 18th, 2008 4:05 pm:
Hey Robin,
Thanks for a fascinating insight — I obviously have never thought about it from that angle.
I am observing myself, and it’s mostly in correlation with how interesting/engaging/challenging whatever I’m doing at the moment are. I don’t have a problem focusing on something that REQUIRES my attention. I just drift off when I feel that what I’m doing doesn’t require my full attention — but I over do it to the point where I’m completely on automatic pilot. This is something I want to have better grip on, and I think I’m making some in-roads. But on the other hand, I don’t think it’s an uncommon problem. People check out often, when they have to do things that don’t engage them.
I’ll share what I learned once I think that I’m over this challenge.
ari
[Reply]