How to Get Ready to Meet Your Soulmate

Looking for that special someone? Finding a soulmate remains a formidable challenge for many of us. The good news, however, is that it’s possible. Many of us have found that someone. Here’s my take on how I prepared myself for that special encounter.

In a hurry? Read the digest version.

No, I’m not talking about glooming yourself.

I’m talking about how to work on yourself so you become a person fit, ready and available for an encounter with your soulmate.

Be Self Sufficient

Before you are ready, you need to be content on your own. If you are seeking a soulmate primarily to fill the void inside you — then your primary interest lies in getting something from your significant other. How would you like to go out with someone who’s trying to get something out of you?

An ideal relationship is a union of two independent people, who are choosing to be interdependent. Interdependency creates and enhances better life life than being alone. It’s different from co-dependence, two people dependent on each other. When you base your self-worth, even partially, on anything other than your intrinsic self-esteem and your personal principles, you are resting on an unreliable, rocky ground.

When you are seeking to be dependent, you are not ready to meet your soulmate. The only people you’ll form relationships are those who are also seeking dependency, because you can’t relate to independent people while being a dependent person. You can form relationships, even long-term, but they will be volatile, unstable, and eventually break up. If you want to meet an independent person, then the best way to do so is for you to become one.

Think about it. If you see someone walking around with the outlook of “I’m so lonely. Can you come and stay with me? I need someone,” do you feel inclined to fall in love with him/her? You may feel pity and sympathy, but that’s not true love. Only people who feed such a need do it because they are using such a charitable act as a validation for being a good person.

Before you add another person in your life, you need to learn to be content on your own.

Know Who You Are Seeking

Imagine a state, how you feel in the company of your soulmate. From it, create a portrait of the person you are seeking. You are welcome to get into details, but be sure you don’t get married to them. What you’re seeking is that feeling — and don’t assume who can make you feel that way. A lot of times we think A produces B result, but find out that C can produce B, too, and/or A actually doesn’t produce B. What you’re truly after is the end effect of that relationship — as long as that essence is achieved, how and what quality the other party brings to the table is irrelevant.

And as an extension to this idea, once you identify the core qualities of the person you’re seeking, be sure that you yourself acquire as many of those qualities. If you want someone who’s going to be an excellent parent, don’t expect to find one unless you yourself are interested in becoming one. What forms a strong bond is the size of the common ground between you and your partner. In terms of personalities, sure, opposites can compliment each other. But when it comes to values and principles, it’s safe to say the more you have in common, the better off you are.

Be Self Confident

In addition to being self-sufficient, you need to have a healthy self-esteem, confidence that you are a great person who deserves a great partner in life.

So many people “settle” for unsatisfying relationships because they are afraid that that’s as good as it gets, having someone is better than no one. Well, there is value in seeing that a glass is half-full, but beware of how you’re applying here, to justify your lack of self-worth. It’s an excuse to compromise yourself.

Once you identify the essence of what makes up your soulmate, don’t settle for anything less. Sure, reality is never as good as your dreams — but by identifying the core qualities (the “must-haves”) you’ll know clearly when the other person possesses those qualities or not.

Be Open to Change

But the flip side of the self sufficiency and self confidence is that you need to be ready, willing and able to accept and allow your life to be affected and changed by another person. So many people who stay alone for long become set in their ways, not willing to really accommodate the other person. This makes you unavailable to form a relationship.

When you open up your life to another person, you’re letting in a whole set of your partner’s needs and desires. And you can be certain that they will be different from your own. You need to see that this adds more to your life than away from it. You will have to collaborate and compromise. Don’t expect to form a lasting relationship unless you see this as a positive change.

How These Principles Applied to My Life

You read my story about how I met my wife. I had been seeking a girlfriend all my life up to that point — and was failing miserably. All my relationships seemed to crash and burn (rather spectacularly, I must add) at the beginning. In the hind sight I’m grateful that they broke at the outset, instead of having months and years of relationships that were ultimately not meant to be.

I knew who I was seeking very well. I was young so I wasn’t very articulate, but I am a feeling-oriented person and I often imagined how it would feel to be with someone. I had typically turbulent adolescence, but I was reasonably self-confident. I have always been a nurturing person, and always had deep and close friendships. So being open to accommodate someone else’s needs weren’t a problem.

Where I had a problem was with self-sufficiency. I was lonely, big time. I thought that I was somehow incomplete without a girlfriend. I needed a validation that I was lovable. I wanted to be needed.

But my soulmate came into my orbit only after I decided that I was going to be self sufficient. I had resolved not to look for a girlfriend. I think it was a case of me finally qualifying, being fit for the encounter with my soulmate. That was the last piece of the puzzle, and as soon as I recognized and resolved to change, boom! I ran into someone. The someone I was looking for, but had stopped looking. Instead of looking externally for an answer, I made myself ready by looking inward.

“Chance Favors a Prepared Mind” (Louis Pasteur)

It may feel funny to apply the above quote to a romantic relationship, but it applies, big time. The difference is that even if you meet someone who’s potentially your soulmate, you won’t recognize him/her as such until you become ready. Have you heard of any couples who were friends first, never saw each other as a romantic interest, until one day they realized what they had? Until you complete your inner work, you won’t be able to find your life-long partner. Or keep one.

If you want to find a great partner, become the person you’d fall in love with. (On the inside, of course — no sex change necessary. 😉 ) Not only this prepares you for the encounter, but it also creates a large common ground between you and your partner. It maximizes the chance of you recognizing each other.

As always, the real work takes place on the inside.

Did you enjoy this article? Check out these essays on the theme of finding a soulmate: How I Found My Soulmate, How to Tell If the Person You’re Seeing Is Your Soulmate

This article was featured in The Twenty Second Edition of the Carnival of Improving Life.


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7 Responses to How to Get Ready to Meet Your Soulmate

  1. I want to thank you so much for your work you have made in writing this posting. I am hoping the same top work by you in the future as well.

  2. Amber Walker says:

    Although it happens everyday, no one has the right to dictate or mandate the rules for being in a relationship. often a person in a relationship (who may not have all of their faculties in order or who may be severly insecure) will read this and think … I shouldn’t be with my wife or girlfriend of a number of years. Uh, please. The term “soulmate” baffles me because as long as you are with a person who is respectful of you, appreciates you, and loves you for who you are even through idiosyncrasies, bad habits, and other issues then you have someone who is right for you. Too many times we are selfish and we think we need someone who agrees with everything and anything we say and do and that there is something called “perfection” that will just happen where there is no work to be done in the relationship… it’s just “magically perfect”. Many of these websites don’t talk about making an individual a better person for themselves first. And what happens is a relationship is ruined because a person is insecure or weakminded (like those who fall into cults easily) who reads too much into it. And really if does not work on themselves their relationships will continue to fail. Habits just don’t disappear with that “new magical perfect” person that does not exist. Compassion, empathy, self-respect, emotional intelligence, tenacity, standards, boundaries, and love from both parties will make a relationship last. Some people think somehow you can make an omelette without breaking some eggs, but we all know that is not true. Nothing is that easy and simple as finding a “soulmate”.

  3. CG Walters says:

    You make good points, Ari.
    I have heard people speak of their soulmate as this was some person, if they could only find them, that would ‘fix’ their life, their spirit, and everything about them. As “we see things not as they are, but as we are,” (a saying attributed to many, including Kant), how shall we have eyes to recognize this glowing half of ourselves (outside of ourself) except we learn to let that element rise within us, and acknowledge its presence within ourself?
    Continued inspiration and blessings,
    CG

    CG Walters’s last blog post..In the Wild or a Relationship, The Symptoms of Losing Your Bearings are the Same

    • Ari Koinuma says:

      CG,

      Wow, you put it better than I have. I love that quote.

      I think becoming the person you want to find applies not just to soulmates but with friends and perhaps even jobs, too. It’s hard to embody something that is not fed from your surroundings — as you have to rely entirely on your inner eye to see yourself as such and use your own imagination and consciousness to apply it to yourself. It’s a concept I’m still trying to apply to myself, though it’s hard. 😉

      Thanks again for your comment.

      ari

  4. Roddy Axiom says:

    Hi Ari. I appreciate your comments on that other site, and I am glad I took the time to read this article. It is very well written, and full of pearls of wisdom that many single people from both genders can benefit from. Personal growth is extremely important if you are looking for that one great relationship to boost your quality of life.

    Many of these life lessons, I have learned the hard way. For some, I really think I would have saved alot of time and heartache had someone put it to me like this. Others… well… some people just have to make their own mistakes, or they’ll never believe it. I am at point in my life where I’ll try just about anything, and I can put my pride aside. So I can honestly say that for me personally, I have tried all of these approaches, and so far, no luck.

    Actually, I do think a large part of my problem is luck. I have plenty of girls over the last few years, since really coming into my own as a person, both financially, and emotionally. My town/state is just a really weird place when it comes to relationships, and to a lesser degree, people. When I get to travel for work, I see that not as many people are as immature or materialistic as where I currently am. There are very few women who are approachable here (when it comes to approaching total strangers) without a go-between unless you’re really flashing cash and bling. Or are incredibly handsome I suppose.

    Anyway, that is another matter. For every rule there is an exception, and I feel, after many years of self-improvement and accessing my options, I feel right now, I’m just a big exception. Maybe with a little more work on myself, and being at the right place at the right time, I’ll meet someone. As a poker player, I know that when you are having a night where the cards just aren’t coming your way, all you can do is be patient, wait it out, and every now and then, make a move just to see what happens.

    So thanks for the concern, and best of luck with your site. I may drop by from time to time. 🙂

    Roddy Axiom’s last blog post..Local Guy Actually Mocked During Mock Draft

    • Ari Koinuma says:

      Hi Roddy,

      Thanks for your visit!

      Well, I didn’t mean to present my idea as a “law” — more like a recommendation or a best practice. So I’d neither surprised or offended to find exceptions. That said, I also don’t believe in luck, either — if you’re desiring something and not getting it, I tend to think that there is something in there that I’m not getting or learning. It’s like piecing a puzzle. You find your missing pieces, and eventually you make a complete picture. I’m not suggesting that you do this, but quickly based on what you’re saying — if you feel that you’re not in the right place and if finding the right person is very important, perhaps moving else where is not out of question. I can tell you that I went to college in Minnesota, but spent last 10 years in Texas, and just returned to Minnesota. In Texas I seldom saw girls I’d be attracted to, but back here I see more potential. 😉 I guess upper-Midwest girls are more to my liking. 😉 (I married one — what do you know)

      Anyway, don’t lose hope! Let me know if there are any specific questions that you’d like a feedback on.

      ari

  5. Pingback: Our Best Version | How to Get Ready to Meet Your Soulmate (Digest)

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