Thanks, and welcome to OBV! Glad my effort met your approval.

ari

Writer Dad’s last blog post..Bye Bye Butterfly

Thanks for sharing your personal story — and welcome to OBV!

I guess one thing we can discern from your stories, is that these encounters tend not to go as expected. If you get in touch with your old friends to rekindle friendships, you discover you just don’t have the common ground any more — or in your case, the person ends up being your new date!

I recently got in touch with some of my high school and college friends, and I still got along with them famously. But with neither of them I had very high expectations. I guess we all just have to watch out for the size of the baggages that are attached to relationships.

Thanks again for your contribution. It just makes our discussion richer.

ari

Well, I actually managed to find and meet up with many of those folks over the years. And, I have to tell you, even with those who were my absolute friend-soul-mates (and I know I didn’t imagine it–it was real while it lasted!) and a few of my ex-lovers, it was so much less than I could possibly imagine. It was worse than going to a party full of strangers or going on a blind date. Asking each other questions and/or reminiscing about the past only made me realize that almost nothing I found truly memorable about our shared experiences were the same experiences that they recalled as being special to them — if they found any. It was very sad and quite pathetic on my end when it came to my ex-best-friends. As for ex-lovers, it was pathetic from their end because they obviously still had feelings for me. Extremely uncomfortable for me.

Now, here’s the weird part. The one guy who used to be more my friend than my lover, very clam, very stable — not at all my typical all-consuming crazy physical attraction type of guy — when he emailed me out of the blue, I felt would be no threat to my then 6-year relationship to go ahead and meet him for a friendly lunch. This old friend/lover was in the most stable, long-lasting relationship he had ever been and was actually living with her (a first for him). I was living with my guy. We were just getting together as friends. I honestly believe that it was that very “safe” feeling that enabled us to slowly and inevitably fall in love. Granted, we were both unhappy in our then relationships. However, we were both committed to our then partners more than we had ever been with anyone else in our lives. But, we fell in love with each other anyway. We didn’t act on it — staying platonic for months — until we were absolutely sure we wanted to be with each other and ready to break up with our partners first.

I guess the moral of this story is it’s best to let the past stay in the past unless you are willing to live with the consequences of whatever you find at the end of that road if you take it.

If you still love your man, give him and your relationship with him 110%! Because if you do, and things still don’t feel right, you’ll know and you won’t have any regrets if you do leave him. (My conscious is totally clear about my ex!) And, you will never leave your son. Besides, his chances of being happy in his adult life and with his future relationships are vastly improved if he gets to witness his parents in happy relationships — even if it’s not with each other. Best of luck, Vivian! My heart goes out to you!