Life’s Survival Guide for Sensitive Souls
Are you a sensitive person? I am. Life can be a bit tricky for us sensitives, mainly because our reactions to things are not quite “normal.” Here’s an essay on how I have come to view our sensitivity, and how I learned to deal with it. Special thanks to my friend Tammy from A Day to Share with Tammy for inspiring this post.
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Let me tell you about antennas.
I have come to think of human sensitivity as antennas. We all have them, of course. But we have them in different spots. Some have them pointing upward, receiving radio signals. Others have then wide and sideways, receiving TV signals. Yet another antenna may detect wind, or tide.
We all have them, and we all receive signals. But we all receive different kinds of signals, and at varying degrees of strengths.
Some of us have antennas that are more sensitive than others. For example:
- Physical: you body may react more strongly to medicine, food, and other physical conditions.
- Sensory: you may have sensitive eyes or hearing.
- Emotional: you may feel and empathize more deeply, like crying watching TV or reading a book.
The last kind is what I’ll mainly address here, though what I have to say may apply to other kinds of sensitivity.
Examples of Sensitivity
So, a sensitive antenna can get more out of a signal. Let’s say you’re hearing something. And you can discern words and meanings. However, the sensitive ears may be able to hear more clearly and may be able to obtain more information — the little nuances, what kind of accents the speakers may have, the feelings behind what they are saying, and so on.
Let’s say you’re listening to music. And you like to hear it at the volume level 5. It’s loud but comfortably so, for you.
How will that feel to a person with sensitive ears?
Another example: you grew up in a family where everyone has a “potty mouth.” One day, in a conversation to a friend, you jokingly say “ah, shut up.”
And you’re startled by the awkward silence that follows, accompanied by a pained look on your friend’s face.
Where you come from, “shut up” is a casual little phrase that is uttered often, nonchalantly.
Where your friend comes from, the same phrase is a curse or a rebuke, only reserved for more dire situations.
Your Sensitive Antenna
It’s hard, sometimes, to accept that you have a sensitive antenna.
My wife and I have largely become devoid of visual stimuli over the last few years. We don’t watch TV and we seldom watch movies in theaters. The only exception is that we rent Star Trek (currently watching Deep Space Nine) from Netflicks, and for my kids, a steady diet of A Little House on the Prairie, Veggie Tales, Berenstein Bears and Sesame Street.
This year, I saw one movie in a theater. Pixar’s Wall-E.
And I came out of the theater, motion-sick.
Now, this is not the Blair Witch Project or Cloverfield. This is Pixar. Everybody watches Pixar’s movies. They make it tolerable (well, they do more than that) for everyone’s viewing.
Except apparently, my system is now too sensitive for a modern-day cinema experience. It’s a bummer, as I haven’t heard of anyone else getting motion-sick from a mere Pixar movie. I really wanted to enjoy my one theater experience, but what goes for a general family entertainment is too strong a stimulus for me. 
Accepting Your Sensitivity
Accepting your sensitivity is difficult, mainly because you can’t help but think “why is it too strong for me, when everybody else is OK with it?”
Similarly, it takes additional care when you are emotionally sensitive.
What may seem like a casual rebuke or minor confrontation may feel catastrophic to you. You get drained just from being in a presence of a person having a bad day — even if the said person isn’t even interacting with you. A little abuse feels traumatic, and a serious abuse can become fatal.
Two kids who grow up in one volatile household can come out with two entirely different lives — one is traumatized and depressed, the other, totally fine and thriving.
Just because it didn’t affect someone, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t affect you. Your reality is only your own.
You have to accept your sensitivity. There’s simply no fighting it.
Emotionally Sensitive = Depression?
I don’t know if there is any scientific research done (it’s probably hard to define and measure sensitivity), but it’s been my observation that an emotionally sensitive person tends to be more introverted and more susceptible to depression. This makes sense — as an emotionally sensitive can vividly feel others’ anger, sadness, and frustration. Not only do sensitives have their own emotions to deal with, but they are constantly bombarded with other people’s feelings. It can quickly get overwhelming.
Depression is a mind that is over-stretched and tired, to the point of being sick. Just as there are people who catch cold more often than others, so there are people who easily get depressed.
But be sure not to misunderstand this: this is not a sign of “weakness.” What’s weak about having a superbly sensitive antenna that gets more out of signals?
It simply means that your environment produces too strong of stimuli for your sensitive antenna. That’s all. Once you accept this, finding a remedy is simple, if not easy.
Wrong and Right Coping Mechanism
Now, one way to deal with sensitivity is to “toughen up.” For example, if you drink alcohol regularly, you’ll develop greater tolerance.
Except it’s a very bad idea. There is a reason why your system is sensitive. Just as regular consumption of alcohol can wreck havoc in your system, too much emotional exposure can really wreck your mind, even if you stop feeling its effects.
For example, my 4-year-old daughter inherited my emotional sensitivity. To this day, she gets very easily upset by movies and videos. A while back, I showed her one of my favorite movies, My Neighbor Totoro, thinking that it was a harmless movie. Quite to the contrary, the roars of the big Totoro were very scary, and the scene where one of the girl protagonists gets lost is totally unbearable.
Should we force her to watch it, to build up tolerance? No way. It’s way too stressful to her system.
What sensitive souls need to do with themselves, are no different than what everyone else ought to do: accept yourself for who you are, and learn to deal with it.
More specifically, here are my suggestions:
- Recognize and understand your sensitivity. Test it and determine where your threshold is.
- Limit your exposure. Learn to keep proper distance to people, and set boundaries. It doesn’t matter how it compares with other people. Trust and accept your instinct about what’s too much.
- Learn how to decompress. From yoga to painting, classical music to swimming — experiment and figure out ways to mend your taxed mind.
- Communicate your needs. This is vitally important, as it’s hard for people who don’t share your sensitivity to understand why you have more rigid boundaries and maintain greater distance. Explain that it’s not them, it’s you.
Dealing with Sensitive Souls
If you yourself are not sensitive but are close to someone who is, keep the above points in mind in your relationship. The kind thing may be to tread lightly around a sensitive soul. Choose gentler words and demeanor, and refrain from pushing or kicking his/her butt. Give the person some extra space, and don’t take it personally when they seem to keep you farther away than you’d like to be.
Emotionally sensitives have to be protective of their soft bellies for a reason. It may be hard for you to understand but you have to respect the person’s boundaries.
Living with My Sensitivity
My mother always told me how sensitive I was. I did cry a lot watching TV, movies or reading books. Actually, I still do. ;-) I get drained from working with people who are “loud” with their emotions. For a long time, I didn’t understand why I was this way and I struggled with my sensitivity. A man is supposed to be tough and strong!
But in reality, life has gotten so much easier as I accepted my sensitivity and adjusted my lifestyle around it. Perhaps that’s why I feel more at home on internet — this impersonal media creates a nice buffer for me. A face-to-face contact, I have to use sparingly because it can affect me a great deal. Don’t get me wrong, I still like and need plenty of real life contacts. But I choose my company carefully and I keep my solitude/social ratio to about 70/30. And I like my social interaction to be safe and intimate and free of turmoil or drama.
Conclusion: Trust Your Antenna, Allow Yourself to Be
It’s always a good rule of thumb to trust your instinct, but when you have a sensitivity, it’s all the more important to do so. It’s because you can’t use other people’s experience to gauge how you’d react to certain stimuli. You can surround yourself with people with similar sensitivities, but sometimes it’s hard to do so, mainly because sensitive people are scarce, by definition — if your level of sensitivity was normal, you wouldn’t consider yourself “sensitive.”
But in reality, many times we make assumptions and estimates based on other people’s experience. When you have a sensitive antenna, this is harder to do. But don’t give in to the temptation to make yourself fit with everybody else by toughening up. You’ll be infinitely happier when you accept yourself and allow you to be what you are.
We’re all like odd and skewed shapes. None of us are perfectly squre, round or rectangular. The larger society maket stuff aiming toward more generic shapes, because it’s a common denomenator that they can use to count on hitting somewhere close to many people. And a lot of times, we bend and shave off our corners to make us fit those molds.
But you’re fine, just the way you are, with all your idiosyncratic oddities, with uneven corners and non-parallel sides. Just carve out a bigger space around you, so you don’t have to bend, duck, or “build tolerance” to make yourself conform to everyone else’s so-called standards. You are sensitive for a reason. In this day of dulled senses and over-stimulation, your sensitivity will be treasured.
Want to know more about how to channel your sensitivity in a positive way? Read the next post on sensitivity: A Sponge’s Contribution: How to Channel Your Sensitivity to Do Good
In which areas are you more sensitive than others? Do you know people who have sensitivities in areas you don’t, and have had to accommodate them?
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I’ve always regarded myself as “over-sensitive”. That somehow implies there is a norm of sensitivity and I don’t comply with it. If in fact there is a norm, I’m skewed to the soggy far right of it.
And that’s what I have against my sensitivity - its sogginess! I rarely go to the cinema either. Too often, I’ve spent my time staring at the darkened ceiling, trying to jam sobs back between my teeth. Too often, I run out of handkerchiefs and tissues, groping for one last dry corner. My sinus block and I can’t breathe well - definitely not my idea of fun.
This can happen in so-called comedies. My Best Friend’s Wedding had my friends rolling in the aisles while I choked up over Julia’s inability to relate. I’ve cried in cartoons - anyone remember Yacky Doodle? The slightest hint of sadness has me tearing up and the floodgates open.
I’ve learnt to attempt to choose movies and books that have a positive, uplifting or just plain funny theme. Fortunately, the other side to the coin is that I laugh readily and see humour in lots of situations, too. This helps me save on tissues and means I get to breathe more easily.
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Ari Koinuma reply on November 20th, 2008 8:44 pm:
Hi Susan,
Thanks for sharing your personal stories. It does feel like a handicap sometimes, doesn’t it? “Soggy” is a good way to describe us.
ari
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This post makes me view my “sensitivity” as a gift instead of a curse. THANK YOU!!!
Kathy - Virtual Impax´s last blog post..Steps to Starting a Small Business: #7 Your USP - Unique Selling Proposition
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Ari Koinuma reply on November 20th, 2008 8:47 pm:
Kathy,
It is a gift. We just have to learn how to use it. More on that, coming up….
ari
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Wow, Ari, what an awesome post!!!!
I can relate at every level.
Only after I accepted my sensitivity, did I get to challenge it in the right direction.
Being sensitive is a blessing. It is a source of endless energy once we have found out how to channelize it.
I could have a day long talk about this topic …. it is a big part of who I am.
Maya´s last blog post..Are you a storyteller? What is your story?
[Reply]
Ari Koinuma reply on November 20th, 2008 8:48 pm:
Maya,
It’s nice to find someone to relate to, isn’t it? It seems rather hard for people who don’t share this sensitivity to really understand this. I hope this helped a little.
ari
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Ari,
I very much agree with you on sensitivity–and I also believe that some people are born with more sensitivity than others–but that it is also an aspect of yourself that you can develop. I see it as though it is any other kind of talent–such as singing or artistry–some people are born with more of those talents than others are–but we can all become more adept at signing or artistry, if we allow ourselves to open up to it and work on developing it.
Take care,
Melinda
Melinda´s last blog post..Continuing on a Spiritual Path
[Reply]
Ari Koinuma reply on November 20th, 2008 8:49 pm:
Melinda,
I don’t disagree with you that people can develop sensitivity, but I’m not sure who wants to, and what for, if you don’t have it — can you think of a reason? I suppose a very callous person who has a habit of hurting other people’s feelings may want to develop emotional sensitivity. Now, that’s a problem I can’t relate to.
ari
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Melinda reply on November 25th, 2008 1:39 pm:
Hi Ari,
I guess I didn’t explain myself very well–what I mean as far as being a sensitive goes, is that some people are born with more natural intuition than others are. We all are born with a certain amount of intuitiveness (or what I think of as being a sensitive)–and this is not just for others but also in ourselves; learning to listen to our inner voices and being receptive to the messasges we receive. So, what I mean is that while all people are born with a certain amount of this intuitiveness/sensitivity, some people are naturally equipped with more but others can develop this ability, I believe.
Melinda
Melinda´s last blog post..Giving Thanks
[Reply]
Ari Koinuma reply on November 26th, 2008 9:46 am:
Ah, yes, that makes sense. I do agree that we can improve and better some of our antennas, and learn to catch more signals.
ari
I can totally relate to the emotional sensitivity. I wrote about that a while back, The Life of an Emotional Sponge.
You are right on the mark: “..as an emotionally sensitive can vividly feel others’ anger, sadness, and frustration. Not only do sensitives have their own emotions to deal with, but they are constantly bombarded with other people’s feelings. It can quickly get overwhelming.” It can be a blessing in cases I know when people are upset even if they are not showing any outward signs, so I know I need to approach them differently. But it can be a curse in cases when I cannot enjoy things if the person I’m with is not enjoying it. Or when I’m watching a movie and feeling deeply sad when something terrible happens to a fictional character. Realizing this sensitivity and accepting it does help in the emotional sorting process - whether it is something you are feeling for yourself, or something you are picking up from others.
Also, just wanted to let you know that I gave you the “I love your blog” award.
~ Kristi
Kikolani | Poetry, Photography, Blogging Tips´s last blog post..Thursday Things
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Ari Koinuma reply on November 20th, 2008 8:50 pm:
Hi Kristi,
Yes, I do remember you post. In fact, I’ll use that word on the post where I’m going to talk about how to use our gifts for a good purpose.
ari
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I believe I am a mixture. I feel things more intensely than others but I also can tolerate others feelings, and am not easily hurt by others words. I don’t over react. I am also an extrovert and enjoy more socialness than you do Ari. I don’t try to fit into a mold but am striving to be the me I am meant to be.
[Reply]
Ari Koinuma reply on November 21st, 2008 9:45 pm:
Hi Laurie,
Sounds like your sensitivity is in a slightly different place than mine — or it may just be that you’re better adjusted than me.
ari
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Hey Ari,
Sensitive. Wow…what a huge word with many definitions. Words don’t usually bother me. It is the actions that do. I really need to work on that. I think I need to remind myself to forgive as a action is occurring so that I don’t hold that emotion in. On the other hand, I have allowed myself to block out words lately. I do need to pay attention and feel words(referring to spoken words). I guess for some of us that is a little defense mechanism that is built in our lives. As time changes, so does a person.
You know that Dylan is my sensitive child. I think the post about Dylan being sensitive is the first post that you and I really became online friends. He does see things so much different. He has awakened me to the idea of just how sensitive things are to some. It was good to hear your take on that. I think about that often.
Movies, TV, and I don’t get along. I can’t still for one and I just don’t like watching or hearing negatives all of the time. Pixar movies, well…they are the best.
I wanted to say that I enjoyed the song above (Lucy Struck Out). Also, a special thank you for the mention above. I am so glad you are continuing to grow as a blog and keeping it personal. It meant a great deal to see the mention.
Well, I am going to pull down my antennas and go out there and tackle racking leaves. My body is not relating to well to the cold right now.
Thank you Ari!
[Reply]
Ari Koinuma reply on November 21st, 2008 9:52 pm:
Hi Tammy,
Yes, I still remember that conversation we had. I’ve been meaning to write this ever since! And thanks for your kind words about my song.
ari
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Hey Ari! you commented on my blog (nat4thblog) so I just dropped by to say HEY! I love your blog. It inspires me everyday.
Is it alright if I put up some of your posts on my blog? With credits to you, of course. I like some of the topics you write abt like this topic of sensitivity. I myself am ultra sensitive. I get pissed and upset for tiny reason and get confused about it. that’s when I turn to blogs like yours to help enlighten myself and eventually I’d want to share with others as well.
anyway, if you feel like visiting me to say Hello, I’ve moved to natmsatar.livejournal.com and yes, you’re still on my links list :D:D keep in touch!
[Reply]
Ari Koinuma reply on November 26th, 2008 9:41 am:
Hi Nat,
Welcome to OBV! Thanks for stopping by to say hi.
Nat, you’re welcome to mention or quote what I write. I do ask that you don’t make a direct copy of any titles or body text, because duplicate content is a big no-no for Google (I’m sure you knew that, but just in case….). Thanks so much for asking, however. I’m glad you think highly of what I write.
I’m off to Thanksgiving holidays, but I will come by some time and look around at your place.
ari
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Hi Ari - I guess I’m quite sensitive too. As you say - different folk with different backgrounds would be offended by different things. If someone told me to shut up, I’d probably cry.
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Ari Koinuma reply on November 26th, 2008 9:43 am:
Cath,
Oh really? That surprises me — you put up a strong, tough front on your blog, or at least that was my impression.
ari
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Thanks for this post Ari — I can definitely identify with much of what you say here. I’ll also share a perspective that’s helped me get some clarity on this issue. When I’m having an experience where someone else is expressing a lot of intense emotion and I’m wanting to get out of there, I’ve come to see a subtle way in which I’m blaming myself for the feelings they’re expressing, or at least seeing it as my job to fix them, and then resenting them for “dumping all their crap on me.” When I realized this, and that I’m not actually responsible for their feelings, it began transforming the way I relate with people. — Best, Chris
Chris Edgar´s last blog post..Projections, Part II: How Our Judgments Of Others Can Teach Us About Ourselves
[Reply]
Ari Koinuma reply on November 26th, 2008 9:45 am:
Hi Chris,
Thanks for your comment, and a great insight. Yes, when you’re emotionally wounded, it’s easy to take things too personally, getting too involved — when you’re sensitive, you do have to watch the distance between you and others at times. But it’s just like anything else in life — we learn who we are and we learn how to best deal with ourselves.
ari
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Have you read the Highly Sensitive Person series by Elaine Aron? I’m reading one of her book right now, and it is indeed explaining my characteristic so far.. HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) and HSS (High Sensation Seeker). I indeed feel the same way as what you said here… “man should be tough and strong” We sensitive men sometimes have difficulty to accept that. Glad to know a friend like me =D it’s really encouraging… you’re a musician and blogger, self-employed, you’re really an example of HSP living your life, your style.
By the way, mind sharing your love story? =D. I’m reading HSP in Love, and wondering how HSP can find a girlfriend =D Partly that i found difficult is my sensitivity towards the flaw/incompatibility with female friends that I know, also perception that they desire of strong and tough man. Maybe an idea for your next blog post? =)
Cheers,
Robert
Robert Henru´s last blog post..Making Work Work for HSP by Barrie S. Jaeger
[Reply]
Ari Koinuma reply on November 26th, 2008 9:52 am:
Hi Robert,
That sounds like a book I must read! Thanks for letting me know.
Oh, and one correction — I am self-employed, but I also have a “day job,” a full-time employment, as of right now (Nov 08).
I do have a story of how I met my wife, though it doesn’t address some of the issues you’re talking about.
http://ourbestversion.com/2008/06/how-i-found-my-soulmate/
This one may also be to your interest:
http://ourbestversion.com/2008/08/how-to-get-ready-to-meet-your-soulmate/
I’ll definitely consider addressing your specific issues for a future post. I can tell you — that us sensitive men make fabulous husbands.
Yes, I think it’ll be useful to let more women know that our kind exists, and what we can do for them. 
Thanks for the ideas!
ari
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The differences with our sensitivities are quite surprising. Regardless of the emotional circumstances some people can still be happy and peaceful. Some crumble easily, and some never seem to falter. I guess it’s all mental. To an extent I believe we can control our sensitivity..
sharon´s last blog post..10 Lessons to Create A New You
[Reply]
Ari Koinuma reply on November 26th, 2008 9:55 am:
Hi Sharon,
Thanks for the comment — yes, the individual differences can be quite staggering. As I said, two people coming out from a single situation can have totally different reactions — one could be traumatized, while other may not feel anything.
I do believe that we can control our sensitivity, though I’m not so sure about if we can really change the sensitivity itself — we can learn to deal with exposing our antennas more fully or we can guard it, we can also learn better ways to deal with the signals we receive. I’m sure if we tried hard enough, we can change our very nature, but my inclination is to accept ourselves for who we are and change how we deal with ourselves.
ari
[Reply]
Ari, that was a really neat post. We’re not TV watchers either - just rarely. Honestly, I usually never even think to turn it on, except when my husband asks me if we’re going to watch our favorite show - once a week. Sometimes I watch a little more, but VERY little.
I’ve read some of the discussion here about channeling sensitivity. After glancing at your post the other day and reflecting on something else as well, I was thinking about how God made some people more sensitive than others. I was thinking about how it is especially important for those people to train themselves with good healthy thoughts to bring on the emotions that are good and healthy - in other words to direct them in the best possible way - I believe it was Maya who said something about channeling it in the right way. If a sensitive person is brought up in a negative way then imagine how intensified their negative emotions will be. But on the other hand, a sensitive person who is brought up or trains themselves to think in a positive way will have beautiful emotions. Maybe that’s getting into your next post though.
My mentor was very sensitive, but finally learned to channel his thoughts in the right direction. His sensitivity was beautiful as I knew it.
My mother is EXTREMELY sensitive. I am forever trying to figure out how to best handle her sensitivity.
Hold off on those Pixar films
- Save those for renting along with your Star Trek. 
Jennifer´s last blog post..A Thanksgiving for You
[Reply]
Ari Koinuma reply on December 1st, 2008 9:05 am:
Jennifer,
Uh, yes, well — now I don’t need to write any more on this topic, after you put it together so beautifully.
Sensitivity is a gift, but unless you learn to wield it correctly, it can be a curse. Just like any other gifts. Sounds like you’re having to tip-toe around your mom — which is, unfortunately, a common social effect for those can’t quite channel their sensitivity in positive ways. My father was sensitive, too, and my mother had to be careful. My wife and I are both very sensitive, but in different ways.
I thought a Pixar film was a safe bet — sigh.
Next summer I’m going to see two films, Star Trek and Harry Potter. I hope they don’t get too ambitious with camera movements. 
ari
[Reply]
Ari,
This was good! I like your ability to give acceptance to what some people reject in themselves.
Most counselors have to fall in that too-sensitive category. It can indeed be a curse–or a blessing.
thanks! G.
[Reply]
Ari Koinuma reply on December 1st, 2008 9:09 am:
Hi Grace,
Well, as I said above, any gift can be a curse if not used properly — and sensitivity is one of them. It can feel like a crutch at times, but there’s a positive side, too, which is something I want to discuss in the near future.
As for counselors, my coach Tom Volkar said something wise the other day. “We all teach what we want to know.” Counselors become counselors usually because they themselves experience an issue/struggle with emotional pain. That said, sensitivity comes in a variety of forms, and when I look I need to make sure that my counselor has antennas in places where I want them.
ari
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