Reader Question: Intuition in Relationships

For my recent post on intuition, I received a great question from Jessica:

hi all! i am so glad i found this little forum….need some advice! i have been learning so much more to trust my intuition….i have looked at my past and some experiences and was reminded that i should have gone with what i first thought…not what everyone else thinks!! so i have had a real real gut feeling about someone…and i wont go into all the details…but things that have happened in the past i was RIGHT on…even when my friends thought i was crazy! well he is back in my life now…but went through a rough divorce…she cheated on him while she was overseas and he was back here watching her two kids….and he found photos to prove it….and i still feel the same intuition about him…we started things up again..but he seems to have pulled away…and i decided to give him the space…even though it is killing me! :) my question is what do you do when you have such a strong intuition about something…but you are powerless to do anything about it?? and logically it doesnt make sense….i had attempted to IM him just to say hi…but i had no response…so i just thought i would let it go….any thoughts on intuition when it comes to personal relationships??

In my experience, intuition definitely plays a part in relationships.  But it’s also very tricky, as there are always very strong emotions attached to these situations.  It’s hard to separate the two.  Consider this:

  • You may have an intuition to tell him how you feel.  But if you then believe that you and he are soulmates, then that’s also an assumption, a vision of future, about what happens to that relationship.  You may be right, but you don’t know when or how.
  • Or perhaps your intuition was simply telling you to be true to your feelings and act on it — but in the course of you pursuing this relationship it becomes clear that it’s not going to work out.  That doesn’t mean your intuition was wrong — it was telling you to pursue it and discover more fully what’s in it for you, so that when you choose to move on you’re more secure in that decision as well, and the process has given you a rich learning experience.

One of the reasons why relationships are tricky is because two people have different needs and are in different stages in their lives.  Combine that with all the strong emotions that go with it, and it’s pretty hard to distinguish what is your intuition and what is your strong desire.  I believe it’s possible to have an intuition about what’s going to happen in the future, but that still doesn’t mean that that future is set in stone — even if you do your part according to the truest of your intuitions, you ultimately can’t know what the other person sees and needs, and his actions may change the course of events.  For example, even if you’re correct in predicting that you and he are soulmates and meant to be together, it’s possible that he may not be in the place to recognize that, and that can potentially delay that vision coming true substantially.

So, here’s my thought on this situation: focus on your actions.  I believe it’s never wrong to act true to your intuitions.  Do what you feel is the right thing, to do justice to the strong feelings you have.  But do your best not to get too attached to the outcomes of your actions.  That, ultimately, is not in your control.

If you act true to your intuition and tell him exactly and honestly how you feel about him (in a manner that’s respectful and un-intruding — listen to your intuition there as well, as you’ll know if you’re going about it in a way that doesn’t feel right), then regardless of the outcome, you’ll live the rest of your lives without regret.  If you hold back, you will regret it.  If you try too hard to manipulate him or the situation in order to produce your desired outcome, you will regret it later, too.

When pondering how to go about this, do your best to put yourself in the best environment for being in tune with your intuition.  Get a good night’s sleep, exercise, eat healthy and yummy food, go take a break, remove distractions, spend some quiet time in the nature — do any and all the things that help you be in the healthiest of the mindset.  That’ll help you clear your head and make you be able to distinguish between your deepest gut feelings from emotion-based wishes/desires for what outcomes you want.

The bottom line: come up with a plan of action, where you know that regardless of what happens as the result, you’ll be able to live the rest of your life being proud of having taken those actions.  Then execute that plan.

Good luck!  I hope you’ll find what you’re looking for (and you will, if you keep listening to your intuition).

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4 Responses to Reader Question: Intuition in Relationships

  1. tom says:

    Interesting article. I never really considered intuition as a way of going with it even though it may end up not being the right thing. Just doing it for the reason of experiencing it to learn.

    Should relationships be taken with the same mindset as businesses?

    tom´s last blog post..Stupidity pays

    • Ari Koinuma says:

      Hey Tom,

      Welcome to OBV! Well, I am not saying you should pursue a serious relationship just to gain experience — we all pursue it with the intention of making it work. But the truth is that it’s hard to know what’s going to happen to a relationship, unless you are extremely well-developed intuitive. Still, you should live true to your inner self and pursue what your heart calls you — whatever happens as a result will always help us grow.

      ari

      • tom says:

        In the end, as you said, being true to your inner self and what your heart desires. Although if I may add, your heart may not be enough, you do need to use your head also.

        It is also sad to see how so many people are fake and never end up being themselves, they go around hoping someone else will accept them for who they are, which is not really them.

        I am on a dating site right now, and I am reading profiles and I hear the same crap and there’s nothing interesting about it. And i am asking myself what is the point of putting in the effort?

        tom´s last blog post..Don’t waste your time arguing with “religious” people

        • Ari Koinuma says:

          Tom,

          I hear you. It’s really hard to finding authenticity, unless you figure out specifically where to look.

          I have to ask, though, if you think a dating site is where you’ll find your soulmate. If you honestly believe that, that’s no problem, but think of the kind of person you want to be with — what is she like? Where would she hung out? What kind of activities/organizations would she be involved in?

          Authenticity can be found, if you look in places where authenticity is required and expected. Such places are not common, but they do exist. For example, I took part in a group coaching program by my coach Tom Volkar at Delightful Work. The people who were taking it with me were all very authentic.

          Like-minded people congregate. So figure out who your ideal mate may be, and start looking for places where such people hung out.

          Good luck!

          ari

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