60-Day Challenge Wk1: Plowing through Resistance

60 Day Challenge: Intuitive Entrepreneur

Goal: To create and execute a new business vision by following my intuition.  And do so without neglecting my family’s needs.

They say time flies, but I, for one, never been a firm believer.  Sometimes true, of course, but time, to me, is elastic — ebbing and flowing, stretching and condensing, always inconsistent, always changing.  Not to criticize anyone whose time is flying, but in my life, I notice that time flows slowly when I’m being creative, fully engaged in something.  It’s a state I enjoy immensely, as I am having fun and time is not flying!

That said, this first week was turbulent, to say the least, and some of it was not definitely not fun.  In short, my comfort-accustomed system has been screaming in resistance, telling me every imaginable reasons why I shouldn’t be doing this.  I am launching myself into full-time self-employment/entrepreneurship by decidedly ignoring much of the business plan I spent months formulating, instead opening up my spirit to feel the currents of the moment and making decisions based on that.

I keep more of a diary elsewhere (personal one/business one) so here I’m going to summarize the major themes emerging from my challenge that’s relevant to a personal growth blog.

Spending Money Is Scary

Well, this is perhaps the biggest one.  We don’t have a lot of money.  We live in a rented condo and own one old (bur dependable) car.  We have about 3-months worth of living expenses saved up, which we were ear-marking as a down payment for a new house we want to buy in near future.  Instead, we’re blowing  it (?) on my business, for both start-up cost and potential living expenses.

That, to me, is a major responsibility and a mighty risk.  What if I fail?  What if I can’t start bringing in money?  I hate shopping to begin with, and I hate spending money.

But my intuition is telling me to act boldly against this.  And it doesn’t let up, even though my system is screaming in protest.

First, I felt that I needed buy a D-SLR camera.  Camera?  I’m in online music business!  What do I need the camera for?  Sure, it’s nice to take good pictures to use on my sites — but it seemed hardly the item to spend my first few hundred dollars on.  So I reasoned that I was being delusional and sat on the idea for 2 days.  By the end of that 2 days, I was so stressed I had a pain in my stomach.  So I relented, and ordered a store-display model from eBay.  As soon as I placed my order and I couldn’t take it back, I felt relieved.

And there have been many more purchases like that.  Mostly unglamorous stuff, too — being a musician, I’d be excited if I was ordering new tools for my music, but they have been stuff like acoustic panels to treat the walls of my studio (so that I can record without hearing the room reverberation), accounting software, office supplies, and so on.  Each purchase, I check against my intuition to make sure that the deeper me approves of that purchase.

But the fear is also strong, and it’s manifesting itself as a lower-back pain.  My coach Tom Volkar, upon hearing that I was suffering a back pain, quoted the Louise Hay book “Heal Your Body A-Z” that it’s a typical way fear of money (or lack thereof) manifests itself in a body.  I had to laugh — I am so dreadfully typical!  At one point it was so bad I worked from bed all day (the joy of self employment).

Proclaiming My Identity Is Scary

The last week at my employment, when people would ask what I would next, I said “well, I’m going to take a break and go make some music.”  People would get excited for me, as I made it sound temporary.

But it was a half-truth.  I knew that I was supposed to go about it as if this is my permanent gig.  And now that I’m in it, I feel even more strongly so.  The bridge is burning in my mind — I’m never going to be a web developer again.  And that’s what I’ve been telling people this last week, even though I feel afraid to do so.  What if I fail to stay afloat?  Won’t it be embarrassing if I have to go back to a job?

That may be so, but I’m assuming my success, not failure.  I have to.  So I am now a full-time musician and an entrepreneur.

Planning on Success Is Scary

And speaking of success, my intuition is telling me that I need to fix my gaze squarely on the long-term success of my enterprise, without worrying about the short-term needs.  I am not to engage in any quick money-making projects.  Before I got going, I told some of my old colleagues that I would be available to do some web projects.  I suppose I shouldn’t say never, but I am not available for one now and for the foreseeable future.

My mind is constantly racing about our short-term needs, though.  We are covered for the month of February, but after that, we have no sources of income.  If I don’t work on my business for quick profits, how are we going to stay afloat?

Yet, I feel so wrong about looking at some quick-fixes — like taking on freelance web projects or going to other music stores to teach private lessons or something — that I haven’t permitted myself to do so.  Instead, I am launching my web sites.

New Directions Emerging

I sensed that what I was going to do was to go ahead and launch web sites as I originally planned, but I also felt that new directions would emerge quickly once I’m in the thicket.  There’s always a big difference between a plan you made before you start doing something, and the one you’d make once you’re in the midst. And yes, I have now many ideas about how to use my web sites to offer services I didn’t originally think of.  My original plan called for tons of content creation to monetize over a long haul.  The new direction would make me more of a consultant/teacher with less focus on advertising/affiliation in the short-run — though I can still see how it’s going to grow and be much more. But the plan has changed so much, I can’t believe it’s only been 2 weeks since I decided to go for it.

I’ll announce some of my new offerings as they become ready.

Growing out of Fears into Hope

I wrote a lot about fears, and some (especially those who believe in Law of Atraction) may say that I’ll never succeed if I’m consumed by that much fear.  But actually, I feel that this is simply a growth/birth pain — as I kept making decisions following my intuition rather than my fear, my confidence increased, and my vision of success became clearer.  I really do believe that while I’ll make numerous missteps along the way, I can’t screw up enough to prevent my success. And if that’s not hope, then I don’t know what is.

And how is my success going to come about?  Stay tuned.

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4 Responses to 60-Day Challenge Wk1: Plowing through Resistance

  1. Jennifer says:

    Ari, you are going in head first, aren’t you! I know this is exciting and scary all at once. I wish you all the best and know that you can do this. Don’t ever give up on yourself. Stay focused and committed.

    Jennifer´s last blog post..Stress – Prevention and Relief

    • Ari Koinuma says:

      Hi Jennifer!

      Thanks Jennifer! Yes, I guess I’m a kind of person who have to dive in head first. I wish I could do it in less drastic ways, but my attempts to ease the transition have never worked out throughout my life. I’ve always been a person who needs the stress of deadlines to get things done — and similarly, I have to push myself in a corner to get me to rise to the occasion. I guess stress-free life isn’t for me. 😉

      ari

  2. Ari, congratulations for having the courage to make our move. For today you are an independent entrepreneur. Feel good about that. You’re in the game as a full-fledged player. No more sidelines for you.

    Tom Volkar / Delightful Work´s last blog post..Building Career Confidence by Feeling Deeply

    • Ari Koinuma says:

      Thanks Tom! Yes, it’s good to be finally dedicating myself to this endeavor. Everyday I realize more that there’s really no turning back — I can’t even relate to being an employee, and it’s been only 10 days. The only path is to forge ahead and make this work — I have no other option.

      ari

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