Our Best Version

Have you ever played the board game Sequence?  We got a child version of it, and I’ve been playing it with my 5-year old daughter.

It’s a game where you have several cards in your hands at a time, and you’re trying to line up chips on the board.  You lay one card at a time, and put the chip on the corresponding spot on the board.  You win if you have 2 (1 on the child version) lines of chips — and they can be made either horizontally, vertically or diagonally.

And in the process of me exploring my new life as a freelance musician, it really struck me how this is similar to life itself.  Here are some of the parallels I noticed: Read the rest of this entry »

Welcome, new visitor! Thanks for visiting my site. My name is Ari Koinuma, and this is my blog about becoming who you are meant to be.

Be sure to check out the home page, which will give you an overview of this site and points out some of the major themes. If you enjoy what you see, please drop me a comment, or subscribe, so we can keep in touch. I look forward to getting to know you!

Howdy folks!  It was weird not to blog for a whole month — and once I turned off the switch, it’s been hard to turn it back on. Much has happened in March.

Recap of My Month without Blogging

1st week: worked on one music project, which I realized wasn’t quite right for the current time.

2nd week: worked on another song, which I realized was more of a test (to see if I can get back into music-making) and I really didn’t believe in it.

3rd week: worked on another song, which I do believe in, but it’s a very difficult and ambitious song and I ran into problems.

4th week: halted production on the said song, and worked on putting together a web site that promotes my music services.

This week: work on web sites continue, but realized I’m running out of money — so back to job hunting. By that, I don’t necessarily mean I’m looking for an employment — I am looking for short-term projects so that we don’t totally deplete our savings.

I feel like a blindfolded mouse in a maze, bumping into dead ends and walls as I go.

This is the challenge with following your intuitions.  Namely, intuition doesn’t have a plan. It’s not a very efficient use of your time, nor are you moving toward a direction in a singular manner.

But yet, the time was also filled with many major realizations.

Blogging is not needed:

I sort of knew this going in, but blogging has always been a substitute for music making.  If I’m making music, I have no need to blog.

Follow a path just to make sure you shouldn’t go that way:

This happened a lot.  I’d follow a voice in my head telling me to do something.  Then some time later, I realize that it’s not really right — and now I feel more secure in my decision to choose the other way.  While this may sounds like my intuition is wrong, not necessarily.  When you choose something, after ensuring that the other paths are not right for you, you create yourself a commitment and focus that you wouldn’t have been able to achieve had you not explored the other paths.  Following a certain direction is not always a guarantee that that path will work out, yet that doesn’t mean that going that way is a wrong choice.  Follow me there?  If you keep going down that path thinking about how it must work out that way, then you’re forcing something.  And that’s not right.

Problem-Solving Is the Problem:

My friend and coach Tom Volkar first told me about this practice, which I believe Quakers use.  At the end of a meeting, you go around and everyone says what they liked or what went well in that gathering.  They never talk about what went wrong or what can be improved — only focus on the positives.

Then my wife told me to read a book called Living with Joy by Sanaya Roman.  I haven’t read the whole book, but one of its chapters about turning negatives into positives really hit me like a 10-ton hammer.

Focusing on problems is a problem.

You see, I’ve always been a problem-solver.  In fact, my previous industry wanted people like me — people who can solve problems.  But by focusing on problems, you are enlarging and getting yourself attached to them.  I’m taking both emotionally and metaphysically here, but if you want to grow and leave some yucky parts of your life, you need to love them.

That’s right.  You need to love the problems, the challenges, all the faults and wrongs in your life.  You need to embrace them and thank them for being the weights that you can lift, so your internal muscles can grow. Once you love them and stop seeing them as problems, then you are ready to leave them.

I knew, of course, about looking at things on the positive side, keeping good attitudes, being appreciative, and all that.  But this drives all those notions down a lot deeper.  Desire for growth is built into us, and we create ourselves challenges in areas where we want to grow, so that we can develop that area.

I’m sure many of you have seen patterns in your life, where you have recurring problems — similar obstacles coming up over and over.  That’s happening because there is something there that you want to learn.  I’ve said this before, and I am saying it again.  Challenges are opportunities.  Love your problems, so that they become ex-problems.  Focus your energy on things that are right, working, and perfect, so that they can overcome and overwhelm the other parts that are not working.

I don’t know about you, but this changes how I go about my life completely.  I am so used to fixing problems.  I’ve gotten so used to doing them.  I’m really not sure how I am going to live, if I’m not fixing something! 

Where My Intuition Has Led Me

Well, I had an ellaborate business plan going into this 2 months ago — and at this point, most of that plan is discarded.  So where I am now?  Here are the conclusions I’ve reached, as of today:

• I am more of a freelancing musician than a business owner/entrepreneur.  The latter I’m still interested, but I need to start small.
• I’d rather do real-life, face-to-face networking than blogging and promoting myself online.
• The core of my activity lies in making music.  Not teaching how to make it, not writing about it, not talking about it.  So with this realization, I have my identity narrowed down to 3 roles: a record producer, a film composer, and a guitarist.
• I have one client — someone who worked with me a few years ago hired me back once I told him I’m back doing music.  Yay!

9 weeks of soul-searching and is this it?  Yes, and I’m glad.  These last 2 months have been just a long series of paring down.  I cut, cut, cut — and I’m not even sure if I’m finished.

Intuition only shows what you’re supposed to do right now.  It doesn’t predict what will come out of it.  So you go from point A to point B, and then only when you’re at B then the path to C appears.  So it’s a bumpy, not-very-straight ride.  But I feel good about the progress I’ve made.

My Resignation as a Self Improvement Blogger

So, with a great relief I’d like to announce that I am retiring as a self improvement blogger.  Our Best Version will remain up, as the traffic is higher today than ever (ironic, isn’t it?) and my work is still reaching out to people.  But I will no longer routinely update it.  Oh, if there is something I’m dying to say, I will…but I am discarding an identity as a blogger.  I may blog still, of course, to promote myself as a musician or for other reasons.  But I’m not a blogger.  I’m a musician.

It’s been great fun and I must say that had I not done Our Best Version, I wouldn’t be where I am today.  I have come in contact with many other thoughtful caring people through this activity and I will continue to build on what I learned from this activity.

May we all grow to become the best version of ourselves!  Please know that if you ever want to catch up with me, you are very welcome to contact me — I’m sure I’ll always be findable.

60 Day Challenge: Intuitive Entrepreneur

Goal: To create and execute a new business vision by following my intuition in 60 days.  And do so without neglecting my family’s needs.

The week 4 of this challenge was even more cathartic than the previous weeks.

It’s because I realized that if I were to do this right, then I had to let go a lot more than I originally anticipated.

You see, my main thing in life, my number 1 desire, passion, and purpose of living, is to make music.  Not teach music, not write about music, not make money with music.  It’s to make music.

I spent 4 weeks on my new business, and I did everything except making music.

Read the rest of this entry »

Here’s a question regarding anxiety issues in a family from Kari, a woman in her 20s.

I’ve been reading through your advice about breaking habits, low self-esteem, etc and am curious to hear your opinion of what I view as my main problem.  I also went back to my therapist today after a long hiatus and feel very positive about that.

Bit of back story: I have a loving little brother and an amazing, supportive father. Both have always been there for me regardless. Parents broke up when I was around age 12. My mother and I never really clicked. I felt there was a duplicity to her that, as a child, was frightening and although she has since admitted she had untreated depression, our relationship has never recovered. I do believe that her “double life” (i.e. living as a depressed person while in my company but putting on a happy face when required outside the home) has made it impossible for her to really be honest and happy. I’ve told her as much and am willing to work with her to restore what we can of our relationship.

To be honest, I really doubt the success of that. I have sympathy for what she has gone through but it seems like I’m always more willing to work than she is on her depression.

Now here’s my question. As I get older, I notice that I am developing my own fears, insecurities, anxieties about my relationships. I don’t know if this is a natural process of becoming self-aware or what. When one fear or insecurity crops up, I feel utterly helpless to stop the hellish snowball that is my reaction. I feel powerless to stop my outbursts. It manifests itself in neediness, whining, and anger towards my loved ones. I feel that it is a habit I’ve developed.The extreme outflow of irrational emotion feels manipulative. It’s like I’m giving them an ultimatum to either care 110% or get out.

I can see how it’s wrong in so many ways. Shortly after bursting, I feel ashamed and feel as if I’ve “learned my lesson” this time. Inevitably, the outburst is triggered again and I lose confidence that I’ll be able to ever understand it or deal with it. I am fairly certain that I’ve nailed down 80% of my problems (whether or not I have an idea of where they stem from). It’s the implementation of the solution that is escaping me.

Read the rest of this entry »

60 Day Challenge: Intuitive Entrepreneur

Goal: To create and execute a new business vision by following my intuition in 60 days.  And do so without neglecting my family’s needs.

It seems to me like each week I uncover a new twist.  Plans and ideas I had about my business is getting tried, and some ideas are having to be discarded.

For example, I knew that the heart of this endeavor lied in my recording my music.  Yet, I have not recorded a single second of music so far.  This week I made a good progress on setting up my studio for recording, but I’m not ready to start recording just yet.  I won’t go into boring details, but I made some missteps in my process of moving into my new office/studio — and it’s taken longer than I imagined to get everything set up.  Not a catastrophic mistake, but certainly a nuisance.  My coach Tom Volkar mentioned that it may be the manifestation of my fear holding me up.  I think he may be right. Read the rest of this entry »

By now, you probably know what really turns me on.  In the world of Everything Has Been Said Before (particularly among personal development/self improvement circles), what really engages me and inspires me is reading personal stories — because there’s really no such thing as an ordinary life.  Everybody’s life experience is unique, and it has the power to shed new lights, even on tried-and-true principles.

And that’s what I find in Melinda Tyler’s blog, Melindaville.

Melinda Tyler

I don’t mean to over-sensationalize the tragedy, but Melinda admits to seeing the view of the bottom — she was hopelessly addicted to heroin and had gotten into other crimes out of desperation.  In fact, some of her experience, I really hesitate to summarize here — it’s so persona and painful l that I just can’t feel comfortable talking about it publicly in my own words.  Some people told me that I’m pretty open with my personal stories, but this woman is far more courageous than me. She is in the process of writing a memoir that recounts her rise from the bottom, and in the course openly discusses her experience with sexual abuse, prostitution, depression, and drug addiction. Read the rest of this entry »

Let me tell you about my friend Ken.

Ken was an IT professional, and had a Microsoft certification.  He worked in the industry for years.

But he also knew that it wasn’t his passion — he liked computers and he liked helping people, but it wasn’t the technology that really motivated and energized him.  He had no ambitions to be like a head of IT department, overseeing big networks.  He wanted to stay on more of an end-user support or helpdesk level, where he could work with people and help them directly.  So his career really wasn’t going anywhere, as what he preferred was low-end jobs, relatively speaking.

When he moved to Saint Paul over a year ago, he assumed that he would get another IT job.  So he did the regular job hunt thing — post resume on Monster, talk to recruiting agencies, take on some temp projects, and so on.  But nothing was working.

Discouraged, he started questioning his career direction.  He and I sat down to talk one time, and he admitted that he was a poor fit, personality-wise, to a lot of IT guys he’s seen — who appeared more macho and often arrogant, driven more by the thirst for technology than by working with technically-challenged.   He told me about one IT director who spent his personal time following latest tech news and trends, and Ken admitted he wasn’t like that.

Now, Ken also knew that he was into working with wood.  A few years ago he took a break from IT career and was a freelance handyman for a year or two.  While he didn’t enjoy the whole self-employment deal — he didn’t like promoting, bidding, or following up on customers to pay — but he liked the act of working with wood.  His wife and friends who knew this encouraged him to explore more of that direction in his career path.

In fact, one day my wife found him a help-wanted listing by a small local toy manufacturer, one who specializes in making high-quality wooden toys.  It needed some temp help to deal with pre-Christmas boost in business.  Ken was intrigued, and he applied to the job.  When the owners of the business got in touch with Ken, he found that he liked them very much.  Unfortunately, they were non-committal about bringing him in, being cautious about the volume of business now that economy was on the rocks.

And here is where it gets interesting: Ken went to visit the business, and realizing that he was indeed very attracted in making these wooden toys and working with these people, he volunteered to help.  For no pay.  I just want to gain some experience, he said — you don’t have to pay me, just let me work.

Moved by his interest, the owners accepted, though they were conscientious enough to offer him some pay for his work.

A few months later, the owners liked Ken so much that upon confirming that they had enough business to keep him, they offered him a full-time, permanent-with-benefits job.

Ken was so ecstatic and proud, that he took my family out to dinner to thank us, as my wife was the one who saw the original job listing.

Financially, I know this was a major downgrade.  There’s a big gap in pay scale between IT professionals and wooden toy manufacturers.  But Ken is so happy to work now — he just can’t wait to go to work each day.

So here’s the moral of the story: if you know what you love, start doing it.  Even for a few minutes a day, or for no pay at first – just do it.  If it is love that’s driving you, then love will find a way to make it work.

60 Day Challenge: Intuitive Entrepreneur

Goal: To create and execute a new business vision by following my intuition in 60 days.  And do so without neglecting my family’s needs.

This week, I rented a U-Haul and moved into my new office/studio. Also, I took a delivery of 6 very large boxes — an acoustical treatment panels I ordered, which are the most unglamorous, yet most expensive, puchase I’ve made on the business.  And I broke my back again — the 2nd time in 2 weeks.  My system is still screaming in resistance to what I’m doing.

Spending Money to Make Money

I knew that in order to make money, you have to spend some first.  You have to invest.  Yet, until I made the decision to furnish an office/studio outside of home, I never really realized to what extent this is true. Read the rest of this entry »

I was already preparing my last article when I received this question from Jenny.  She broke up an engagement because of an inexplicable feeling that something wasn’t right. Read the rest of this entry »

Intuition is a very confusing thing.  It’s not a feeling, it’s not the voice of reason.  Oh, it’s a voice, all right — it whispers in your ears.  But other than that, it’s really hard to explain what it is.

You see, there are actually 3 voices in your head, and that’s if you’re normal.  The voice of reason, the voice of feelings, and then — intuition.  “Gut” feelings, we call it, as it appears to come from somewhere deeper, but it also feels pretty indistinguishable from feelings, especially strong emotions.

It’s quite easy to misinterpret intuitions, or confuse something else to be your intuition.  Over the years I wrestled with this issue, I started developing a system in which I can gauge my internal bearing.

Below is a list I use to test my intuition to see if it’s truly my intuition, or something else (like fear or greed) masquerading as one.  Consider it a scoring system — if your inner voice meets a good number of these criteria, the chances are, it’s the voice of your intuition.  An important note:  I’m taking here about intuition as in decision-making system.  Other kinds of intuition exists — like actually foretelling future or sensing what’s wrong with someone’s health — but that’s outside of this post.

Read the rest of this entry »