Our Best Version

Long-distance relationships can be very hard. Recently, I received a question from Rajesh about how to deal with escalating suspicion, jealousy and fear while he and his girlfriend are miles apart and rarely see each other. Below is his story, and my response.

I have a simple question. How to get rid of suspicion? Me and my girlfriend have a wonderful relation. But from last few months I have become very suspicious.

Our relation is two years old. We live 1000 kms (625 miles) apart and rarely meet, as she is attending a business school. Due to pressure of study she is busy most of the time and does not give the response she used to give. The matter looks simple, But I think I have complicated it very much. Most of the time I probe her and ask her routine and then I ask why she does not call. I know she is busy with her career, she has few close male friends too, quite obvious but some how I become very angry, I have even abused her. Till now she has taken it, but now I feel the relation is in turmoil. I know its my mistake most of the time but I am not able to control.

For the last 6 or 7 months I have not done anything for myself. I am ruining my career and my day to day life. I know what should be ideal situation but I am helpless. I am not able to control my self. Please help me . I do not want to loose her. She is the most precious thing for me.

Thanks for entrusting me with your question, Rajesh.  I feel your pain.

The Root Cause: Fear and Insecurity bleeds Suspicion and Jealousy

The heart of the matter here is not your relationship — it’s your insecurity.  The long-distance relationship is a trigger, but not the root cause.

The reason you become suspicious is because you equate her not calling as often as a potential sign that she is no longer interested in this relationship.  It’s understandable that you interpret it that way, but is it entirely reasonable?

I’m guessing that you have given it a thought that she may actually be telling you the truth — that she is too busy with her studies.  One of the sad tendencies of human relationships is that sometimes we tend to neglect relationships that feel secure to us.  Once we start trusting that that relationship is secure, then you bump it off the top of the priority list.  I can think of a situation where I would call back my business associates sooner than I call my wife — for this reason.  I trust my wife and I trust that she understands when I say that I was too busy with my work.  In a way, I am taking advantage of the strength of our relationship. It’s not a good thing to do at all — we ought to always take care of relationships that are important to us first — but what I’m saying is, sometimes being lax in a relationship is actually a sign of trust, not a strain.  (it would start to cause strain, though, if this pattern is kept up)

Imagine yourself in her shoes and try to see how you’d feel.  The studies are overwhelming.  When you call your boyfriend, he is very suspicious and gets mad at you on the phone.  You have other friends nearby, with whom you can meet some of your social needs.  Do you think this is a situation conducive for calling you?

Getting out of a Vicious Circle

I think you realize that your getting suspicious and getting mad at her is completely counter-productive.  By doing so, you’re making the situation worse, and you’re decreasing the likelihood of her calling you.  Who wants to call a person who makes you feel bad by being suspicious, asking probing questions and verbally abusing you?

Let’s get back to the original point I made.  The problem is not her, it’s inside you.  You are afraid.  You are afraid of losing her, and that drives you to do things that increase your chance of losing her — the very thing you don’t want.  Can you see how you’re contributing to the outcome you’re trying to avoid?

There are a couple of realizations that need to take place here.
1. You can’t control her.  There is absolutely nothing you can do to make her like you.  When she likes you, you graciously accept her.  When she doesn’t like you, you have to accept that, too. If you were being nice to her to make her like you, you’re engaging in a deceptive and manipulative practice, using her to fill your own needs.  That kind of practice will backfire on you, sooner or later.

2. So, what is it that you need her for?  Does having such a great person for a girlfriend makes you feel significant?  Does it make you feel like you’re special?  Does it make you feel like you’re a good man?  These are all reasonable reactions to having a great girlfriend, except that you shouldn’t need a girlfriend to feel this way.  You alone have the ability to create such security.  A loving girlfriend is a convincing evidence that you’re a good existence, but it’s unnecessary and a wrong basis on which to form such a belief.

From Self Love to Power of Giving

You have to really learn to love yourself.  You don’t need a girlfriend to love you.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a girlfriend.  But you need to be happy with yourself on your own.

So here are a few of suggestions I have for you:

1.  Work on your insecurity. This is a major topic, so I won’t go into details.  Here are a couple of articles that may be of your interest: Low Self Esteem Is the Root of All Problems, 5 Ways to Self Produce Unconditional Love and Heal Yourself

The goal here is to feel secure in yourself so that you no longer need to interpret life’s events in negative ways.

It sounds like you have developed some anger/stress management issues — if this is important to you, as it sounds like it is, I suggest you go see a counselor to work on this.

2. Meet your own needs — but don’t use her
It sounds rather severe when you say you haven’t done anything for yourself in the last 6-7 months!  What are the reasons why you’re neglecting your own needs?  Whatever the reasons are, this practice must stop at once.  Find other friends, talk to a trusted family member of a counselor, exercise, eat good food, get some sleep, take a vacation — do whatever it takes to nourish yourself and restore your own balance, on your own.  Do not look to your girlfriend to do this for you — she’s far away and is not available.  Besides, it’s never good to count on somebody else to meet your needs.  In order to maintain a mature, stable relationship, you need to become self-sufficient first.

3. Be there for her
And whenever you talk to her, focus on her needs.  By that, don’t be nice to her with the intention of making her like you — find in yourself a genuine love and concern for her well-being, and do whatever it takes to help her meet her needs.  If that means you call her less often so she’s not distracted and overwhelmed, you respect her wishes.  I’m not saying it is inappropriate to share your needs with her — quite to the contrary, it’s a critical ingredient in a healthy relationship — but at this point you’ll want to minimize your time looking out for your own needs in this relationship, as it may have caused some damage to the relationship already.  Once you start taking care of your own needs, you’ll become more able to look out for her needs as well.

You may not feel this way right now, but it can be quite joyful to willingly devote yourself to helping others with their needs.  Selfless giving can be very freeing and empowering, as you’re no longer concerned with “getting” something out for yourself.  By focusing on the above two points, hopefully you can get to a place where you can focus on her needs primarily in this relationship, at least for a while, until the trust in the relationship is restored. Then slowly reintroduce your own issues, so that the relationship can really reach an optimum state, where both of you are looking out for the other person’s needs.

The healing must begin inside you.  Rajesh, use this occasion to learn this important lesson about your personal security and loving yourself.  And learn to truly be there for her, in her time of needs.

Welcome, new visitor! Thanks for visiting my site. My name is Ari Koinuma, and this is my blog about becoming who you are meant to be.

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This last week was Thanksgiving in US.  Though I’m not an American, I’ve grown to accustomed to the spirit and the ritual of this holiday.   And indeed, my family and I shared a very special time — it seems that each year we spend with our growing children, the more we realize how important these rituals and traditions are.  Thanksgiving has come to symbolize abundance, family bonding and gratitude.  It has become a very special holiday to me, and this year’s was a great time.

Unfortunately, the rest of this post is not about such an uplifting theme.

The week before Thanksgiving was one of my worst in my life.

On that Monday, I did something uncharacteristic of me, something I have never done before, at least not quite to the extent I did.

It was a grave mistake I made, an action that really goes against my values.

And I’m still reeling from the pain and hurt it caused.

I’m sure I’ll discuss in detail what happened in the future — I try to be open and personal here, but it’s still too raw to go in any deeper.

Plus, I am nowhere near the point of resolution.  I am not able to forgive myself yet.  And while the great Thanksgiving did much to restore balance back into my life, I am still feeling the black weight of guilt and remorse in my abdomen area. I still deeply regret what I did.  I would take it back if I could.  Perhaps I am traumatized, or I am depressed, I am not sure. I contacted several therapists and am contemplating my options for getting help.

My rational mind tells me all the things I’ve been preaching here — mistakes are not to be feared, look for lessons and opportunities for growth, healing is possible, etc.  But there also are times when such niceties ring hollow, next to the gut-wrenching intensity of pain and shock.  Sometimes a message of hope aggravates.  Sometimes you don’t want to be comforted.  Sometimes you feel so disconnected that any connection feels so intrusive, like someone trying to get beneath you to uncover your soft underbelly.

I realize that it sounds a bit dramatic, but this is one of those times.

I just wanted to capture this moment, as it’s hard to relate to this frame of mind once you’re out of it.  I may feel awkward later, as I may look back to this post and realize how it’s not me, but it’s my hurt speaking.  That said, the truth is that hurt needs to speak.  Pain needs to be uncovered and revealed.  If you’re broken inside, you need to break down.  Yes, it’s vulnerable and embarrassing.  I’m not saying everyone needs to do this in public — but ideally, we all have some place where we can let the guards down and let the venom spill out.

So here I am.  And here are the thoughts that are running through my mind:

• How can an action that only takes a second cause so much lasting damage?  A single second of lapse in attention can cause you to lose control of the car you’re driving — leading, possibly, to a devastating consequence.  I don’t believe that we should live every second with the awareness of such worst-case scenarios.  But how do you remain aware and vigilant, without letting it drive you to fear and defensiveness?
• Why do we act out of feelings, when we are equipped with our powerful minds/consciousness?  When the only thing we can control is our own actions, why do we feel that we are out of control most of the time?  It doesn’t make any sense.
• When is it time to get help?  Is it when it becomes unbearable to pretend to be normal?  The shocking part of what I did was that I didn’t see it coming.  Or perhaps I should have, or would have, if I had an outside help.
• How am I supposed to stop using “normal” as a measuring stick?  As I discussed elsewhere, sensitivity is not something to be compared with general public.  A sensitive person under otherwise “normal” circumstance can still crack.  But yet, sometimes it’s hard to gauge your own sensitivity to certain events.  You yourself go into some situations thinking “it ought to be all right” and then gets traumatized — like my example with Wall-E (well, “traumatized” is too strong a word for that example, but the point is the same — just because nobody else got motion-sick doesn’t mean that you won’t).  Your vulnerability lies in places where you over-react.  But it’s easier to see over-reactions in others than in yourself.  What appears over-reaction to others, is “normal” to you.  It’s hard to realize that that’s not normal to others.
• And finally, how are we to achieve independence, self-sufficiency, if we possess all these vulnerabilities where we really need help from others?  I always thought interdependence was the ideal — collaborations of independent people for the mutual, greater benefit of all — and independence was the path to it.  But now I feel so dependent, so insufficient.  I thought I was a fairly self-aware person, yet I just didn’t see it coming.

So there.  Those are some rambling thoughts running through my mind, as the result of a single impulsive action that I just can’t forgive yet.

Yes, we take two steps forward and one step back.  If this is that one step back, then — I am not as far along the healing path as I thought.

But one thing I do hope — by making my private pain a public display, somewhere in the blogosphere, I hope a post like this creates a positive connection.  I realize that it’s a self-indulgent and vague post, nothing very uplifting about it — but this is how an emotional pain feels. Many of us carry it, most conceal it well, but inside is a voice that speaks like this.  You are not alone.

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Now, it feels a bit hypocritical in the light of what I said about connections above, but I’m going to close comments on this post. I did feel the desire to share this moment with the world, but it’s a bit too raw to discuss it out in public.

Are you a sensitive person?  I am.  Life can be a bit tricky for us sensitives, mainly because our reactions to things are not quite “normal.”  Here’s an essay on how I have come to view our sensitivity, and how I learned to deal with it.  Special thanks to my friend Tammy from A Day to Share with Tammy for inspiring this post.

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Let me tell you about antennas.

I have come to think of human sensitivity as antennas.  We all have them, of course.  But we have them in different spots.  Some have them pointing upward, receiving radio signals.  Others have then wide and sideways, receiving TV signals.  Yet another antenna may detect wind, or tide.

We all have them, and we all receive signals.  But we all receive different kinds of signals, and at varying degrees of strengths.

Some of us have antennas that are more sensitive than others.  For example:

• Physical: you body may react more strongly to medicine, food, and other physical conditions.
• Sensory: you may have sensitive eyes or hearing.
• Emotional: you may feel and empathize more deeply, like crying watching TV or reading a book.

The last kind is what I’ll mainly address here, though what I have to say may apply to other kinds of sensitivity. Read the rest of this entry »

Mentoring/coaching doesn’t just happen when you pay someone who’s more experienced than you.  It can also happen among your very peers — and such a partnership can have bond and strength that few other relationships can.  Let me tell you about my peer-mentoring partner, and invite you to join me in forming a new peer-mentoring group for bloggers.

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One of my close friends is my friend Lorie Marsh, who is an independent film producer.

She and I met in Austin, Texas, in 2000, when I was getting into making music for indie films.  She was shooting her first short, and we hit it off really well.

A while after the film was finished, I proposed to her that we start a peer-mentoring partnership, by getting together on a regular basis and taking turns mentoring each other.  I remember hesitating before making such an initiative, but in the end, I’m really glad I took the risk — it started one of the most enduring and productive friendships in my life.  I have many fond memories of talking to Lorie, and our sessions produced many a-ha moments, inspirations and motivations.

She and I have been together in our many ups and downs of our artistic careers.  I remember one time where we role-played a therapy session in which a teenage version of me came out and talked about why I thought I was no good as a guitar player.  It was a revelatory session that eventually led to my raising that inner child and gaining a more solid confidence in myself as a musician.

To this day, this practice continues, and she and I are entering new phases in our careers in the adapted hometown of St. Paul, MN, where both of us with our respective families moved together, semi-intentionally. Read the rest of this entry »

This is a life story of my mother.  Her life is an example of how to find a need in the world only you can fulfill.  It’s a glimpse of what it’s like to reach complete fulfillment - self actualization.

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Introduction: My Mother’s Calling

My mother is a missionary. Well, that’s how I describe her to my English-speaking friends, as that is the closest word I can use to describe what she does. She is an ordained Christian minister acting mainly as a volunteer community organizer in a poor northeastern region of Brazil.

Why is she doing that, when she’s getting up in ages, has no need to work, and has lost her husband?

It’s because it’s her calling.

Despite her challenges, whenever I talk to her I feel an undeniable sense of fulfillment she feels. It’s not an overt, ecstatic eruption of joy, but more like a relief of doing what he/she is meant to do. It’s hard to describe if you’ve never experienced it, but there is a sensation of release that comes from doing no pretending, no forcing, only doing what’s essential to you.

She pursuing her calling, and she feels fulfilled. She has reached self actualization. Read the rest of this entry »

Most of us struggle with bad habits. In this article, I’m going to discuss 7 strategic areas of consideration that’ll lead to a successful and pain-free habit change.

Have you made a mistake of trying to break a bad habit alone, relying solely on your will power and motivation?

I have.

And more often than not, I did fail, and it really damaged my self-esteem.

Recently, I was reading my kids The Berenstain Bears and the Bad Habit. In it, Mama Bear explains that a habit is like a groove she made on her path to garden with her wheelbarrow. She has taken the same path over and over again, that the groove has gotten deep. Since it’s exactly in a place where the single wheel of the wheelbarrow travels, it’s hard not to go into the groove, making it even deeper each time. It’s gotten deep enough that once in, she can’t get the wheel out in the middle of the path by herself.

Breaking a deeply ingrained bad habit is like trying to climb a solid wall that’s higher than you. Can you lift yourself up with just your will power? Read the rest of this entry »

Help!

I’m doing a research for my business plan. And I need to make a projection (a very educated guess ;-)) of what I can realistically achieve if I blogged full-time for a year.

Let’s just say that I’m going to do most of things “right” (I plan to work with blog consultants/coaches to make sure I do, if I do get going on this) and that I have chosen niches that aren’t going to tap out only after a year of blogging.

I need to look at this from two sets of numbers:

1. Traffic — monthly visits/visitors/page-views, and
2. Advertising income. This is only one of my revenue streams, but I do need to know.

For example, Steve Pavlina was pulling in about 400k visitors per month and $1400 in Adsense revenue on his 13th month of full-time blogging, according to his post.  I am guessing that is an exceptional growth, one that I can’t expect to match in the current climate.  But can I expect to be half as good? A quarter? Are there any other bloggers who matched Steve’s growth in one year, or exceeded it?   What is a realistic estimate of what I can achieve if I blogged full time for a year?

Any guess? And who should I go ask? Tina Su? Leo Babauta? They may be too big to be bothered by someone like me — who else is in a position to give me an educated guess? I did send an e-mail to Mr. Remarkablogger.

This essay expands upon my previous entry on fear of success.

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I once had a co-worker who hated her job. Her job stress was so much, that it was hurting her body. She wore those wrist supports to nurse her injury.

Her husband made enough money, so she didn’t need to work. She had dreams of becoming a candle-maker. She told me in great details about how she can make candles that have much stronger and nicer scents than commercially sold ones.

“Why are you still here?” I asked.

“Oh no, I won’t be here for long. I’m going to quit soon.”

She said that for months, and she was still there when I left.

Fear of Success -> Fear of Hope -> Fear of Failure

Have you ever heard someone say “I don’t want to have my hopes up?”

This is a classic statement of fear of success. Read the rest of this entry »

We all want success, but actually many of us fear it as well. Why do we do that, and how can we break it down? Here’s one universal approach that will help you deal with a major portion of your fear of success.

One of my current challenges is to stop staying up too late.

I know, it’s really not a huge problem — but nevertheless, it is on my list of habits to change. It’s unhealthy and potentially dangerous, as I can get sleepy when I’m driving.

The thing is, though, I’d have a few days of going to bed on time, and feeling rested. But after 3-4 days, my body starts craving the tiredness from sleep deprivation.

Can you believe it? I actually crave it!

So much so that I just feel too much energy at my bed time. And when I have the energy, I go “I’m not tired yet — I can go have some fun, or get something useful done.”

What I Am Used to

We’re all creatures of habits, and we all feel uncomfortable with unknowns.

These two qualities can play against our healing and growth. Read the rest of this entry »

In this essay I’m going to share a bit of my struggles with my so-called “gifts.”  A lot of us yearn to pursue our passion, yet it comes at a bit of price, it turns out.  What is it, and are you willing to pay it?

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I once had a co-worker who told me that she loves to write.

Naturally, I told her that I’d love to read what she wrote.

But her reply was like this: “I don’t let anyone read it. It’s too important to me.”

The Burden of Gifts

Often, when I share that I am a musician and that I play the guitar, people say things like this: Oh, I have no musical talent. I don’t have any talents. Read the rest of this entry »