I have a simple question. How to get rid of suspicion? Me and my girlfriend have a wonderful relation. But from last few months I have become very suspicious.

Our relation is two years old. We live 1000 kms (625 miles) apart and rarely meet, as she is attending a business school. Due to pressure of study she is busy most of the time and does not give the response she used to give. The matter looks simple, But I think I have complicated it very much. Most of the time I probe her and ask her routine and then I ask why she does not call. I know she is busy with her career, she has few close male friends too, quite obvious but some how I become very angry, I have even abused her. Till now she has taken it, but now I feel the relation is in turmoil. I know its my mistake most of the time but I am not able to control.

For the last 6 or 7 months I have not done anything for myself. I am ruining my career and my day to day life. I know what should be ideal situation but I am helpless. I am not able to control my self. Please help me . I do not want to loose her. She is the most precious thing for me.

Thanks for entrusting me with your question, Rajesh.  I feel your pain.

The Root Cause: Fear and Insecurity bleeds Suspicion and Jealousy

The heart of the matter here is not your relationship — it’s your insecurity.  The long-distance relationship is a trigger, but not the root cause.

The reason you become suspicious is because you equate her not calling as often as a potential sign that she is no longer interested in this relationship.  It’s understandable that you interpret it that way, but is it entirely reasonable?

I’m guessing that you have given it a thought that she may actually be telling you the truth — that she is too busy with her studies.  One of the sad tendencies of human relationships is that sometimes we tend to neglect relationships that feel secure to us.  Once we start trusting that that relationship is secure, then you bump it off the top of the priority list.  I can think of a situation where I would call back my business associates sooner than I call my wife — for this reason.  I trust my wife and I trust that she understands when I say that I was too busy with my work.  In a way, I am taking advantage of the strength of our relationship. It’s not a good thing to do at all — we ought to always take care of relationships that are important to us first — but what I’m saying is, sometimes being lax in a relationship is actually a sign of trust, not a strain.  (it would start to cause strain, though, if this pattern is kept up)

Imagine yourself in her shoes and try to see how you’d feel.  The studies are overwhelming.  When you call your boyfriend, he is very suspicious and gets mad at you on the phone.  You have other friends nearby, with whom you can meet some of your social needs.  Do you think this is a situation conducive for calling you?

Getting out of a Vicious Circle

I think you realize that your getting suspicious and getting mad at her is completely counter-productive.  By doing so, you’re making the situation worse, and you’re decreasing the likelihood of her calling you.  Who wants to call a person who makes you feel bad by being suspicious, asking probing questions and verbally abusing you?

Let’s get back to the original point I made.  The problem is not her, it’s inside you.  You are afraid.  You are afraid of losing her, and that drives you to do things that increase your chance of losing her — the very thing you don’t want.  Can you see how you’re contributing to the outcome you’re trying to avoid?

There are a couple of realizations that need to take place here.
1. You can’t control her.  There is absolutely nothing you can do to make her like you.  When she likes you, you graciously accept her.  When she doesn’t like you, you have to accept that, too. If you were being nice to her to make her like you, you’re engaging in a deceptive and manipulative practice, using her to fill your own needs.  That kind of practice will backfire on you, sooner or later.

2. So, what is it that you need her for?  Does having such a great person for a girlfriend makes you feel significant?  Does it make you feel like you’re special?  Does it make you feel like you’re a good man?  These are all reasonable reactions to having a great girlfriend, except that you shouldn’t need a girlfriend to feel this way.  You alone have the ability to create such security.  A loving girlfriend is a convincing evidence that you’re a good existence, but it’s unnecessary and a wrong basis on which to form such a belief.

From Self Love to Power of Giving

You have to really learn to love yourself.  You don’t need a girlfriend to love you.  I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a girlfriend.  But you need to be happy with yourself on your own.

So here are a few of suggestions I have for you:

1.  Work on your insecurity. This is a major topic, so I won’t go into details.  Here are a couple of articles that may be of your interest: Low Self Esteem Is the Root of All Problems, 5 Ways to Self Produce Unconditional Love and Heal Yourself

The goal here is to feel secure in yourself so that you no longer need to interpret life’s events in negative ways.

It sounds like you have developed some anger/stress management issues — if this is important to you, as it sounds like it is, I suggest you go see a counselor to work on this.

2. Meet your own needs — but don’t use her
It sounds rather severe when you say you haven’t done anything for yourself in the last 6-7 months!  What are the reasons why you’re neglecting your own needs?  Whatever the reasons are, this practice must stop at once.  Find other friends, talk to a trusted family member of a counselor, exercise, eat good food, get some sleep, take a vacation — do whatever it takes to nourish yourself and restore your own balance, on your own.  Do not look to your girlfriend to do this for you — she’s far away and is not available.  Besides, it’s never good to count on somebody else to meet your needs.  In order to maintain a mature, stable relationship, you need to become self-sufficient first.

3. Be there for her
And whenever you talk to her, focus on her needs.  By that, don’t be nice to her with the intention of making her like you — find in yourself a genuine love and concern for her well-being, and do whatever it takes to help her meet her needs.  If that means you call her less often so she’s not distracted and overwhelmed, you respect her wishes.  I’m not saying it is inappropriate to share your needs with her — quite to the contrary, it’s a critical ingredient in a healthy relationship — but at this point you’ll want to minimize your time looking out for your own needs in this relationship, as it may have caused some damage to the relationship already.  Once you start taking care of your own needs, you’ll become more able to look out for her needs as well.

You may not feel this way right now, but it can be quite joyful to willingly devote yourself to helping others with their needs.  Selfless giving can be very freeing and empowering, as you’re no longer concerned with “getting” something out for yourself.  By focusing on the above two points, hopefully you can get to a place where you can focus on her needs primarily in this relationship, at least for a while, until the trust in the relationship is restored. Then slowly reintroduce your own issues, so that the relationship can really reach an optimum state, where both of you are looking out for the other person’s needs.

The healing must begin inside you.  Rajesh, use this occasion to learn this important lesson about your personal security and loving yourself.  And learn to truly be there for her, in her time of needs.

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Unfortunately, the rest of this post is not about such an uplifting theme.

The week before Thanksgiving was one of my worst in my life.

On that Monday, I did something uncharacteristic of me, something I have never done before, at least not quite to the extent I did.

It was a grave mistake I made, an action that really goes against my values.

And I’m still reeling from the pain and hurt it caused.

I’m sure I’ll discuss in detail what happened in the future — I try to be open and personal here, but it’s still too raw to go in any deeper.

Plus, I am nowhere near the point of resolution.  I am not able to forgive myself yet.  And while the great Thanksgiving did much to restore balance back into my life, I am still feeling the black weight of guilt and remorse in my abdomen area. I still deeply regret what I did.  I would take it back if I could.  Perhaps I am traumatized, or I am depressed, I am not sure. I contacted several therapists and am contemplating my options for getting help.

My rational mind tells me all the things I’ve been preaching here — mistakes are not to be feared, look for lessons and opportunities for growth, healing is possible, etc.  But there also are times when such niceties ring hollow, next to the gut-wrenching intensity of pain and shock.  Sometimes a message of hope aggravates.  Sometimes you don’t want to be comforted.  Sometimes you feel so disconnected that any connection feels so intrusive, like someone trying to get beneath you to uncover your soft underbelly.

I realize that it sounds a bit dramatic, but this is one of those times.

I just wanted to capture this moment, as it’s hard to relate to this frame of mind once you’re out of it.  I may feel awkward later, as I may look back to this post and realize how it’s not me, but it’s my hurt speaking.  That said, the truth is that hurt needs to speak.  Pain needs to be uncovered and revealed.  If you’re broken inside, you need to break down.  Yes, it’s vulnerable and embarrassing.  I’m not saying everyone needs to do this in public — but ideally, we all have some place where we can let the guards down and let the venom spill out.

So here I am.  And here are the thoughts that are running through my mind:

• How can an action that only takes a second cause so much lasting damage?  A single second of lapse in attention can cause you to lose control of the car you’re driving — leading, possibly, to a devastating consequence.  I don’t believe that we should live every second with the awareness of such worst-case scenarios.  But how do you remain aware and vigilant, without letting it drive you to fear and defensiveness?
• Why do we act out of feelings, when we are equipped with our powerful minds/consciousness?  When the only thing we can control is our own actions, why do we feel that we are out of control most of the time?  It doesn’t make any sense.
• When is it time to get help?  Is it when it becomes unbearable to pretend to be normal?  The shocking part of what I did was that I didn’t see it coming.  Or perhaps I should have, or would have, if I had an outside help.
• How am I supposed to stop using “normal” as a measuring stick?  As I discussed elsewhere, sensitivity is not something to be compared with general public.  A sensitive person under otherwise “normal” circumstance can still crack.  But yet, sometimes it’s hard to gauge your own sensitivity to certain events.  You yourself go into some situations thinking “it ought to be all right” and then gets traumatized — like my example with Wall-E (well, “traumatized” is too strong a word for that example, but the point is the same — just because nobody else got motion-sick doesn’t mean that you won’t).  Your vulnerability lies in places where you over-react.  But it’s easier to see over-reactions in others than in yourself.  What appears over-reaction to others, is “normal” to you.  It’s hard to realize that that’s not normal to others.
• And finally, how are we to achieve independence, self-sufficiency, if we possess all these vulnerabilities where we really need help from others?  I always thought interdependence was the ideal — collaborations of independent people for the mutual, greater benefit of all — and independence was the path to it.  But now I feel so dependent, so insufficient.  I thought I was a fairly self-aware person, yet I just didn’t see it coming.

So there.  Those are some rambling thoughts running through my mind, as the result of a single impulsive action that I just can’t forgive yet.

Yes, we take two steps forward and one step back.  If this is that one step back, then — I am not as far along the healing path as I thought.

But one thing I do hope — by making my private pain a public display, somewhere in the blogosphere, I hope a post like this creates a positive connection.  I realize that it’s a self-indulgent and vague post, nothing very uplifting about it — but this is how an emotional pain feels. Many of us carry it, most conceal it well, but inside is a voice that speaks like this.  You are not alone.

–

Now, it feels a bit hypocritical in the light of what I said about connections above, but I’m going to close comments on this post. I did feel the desire to share this moment with the world, but it’s a bit too raw to discuss it out in public.

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Let me tell you about antennas.

I have come to think of human sensitivity as antennas.  We all have them, of course.  But we have them in different spots.  Some have them pointing upward, receiving radio signals.  Others have then wide and sideways, receiving TV signals.  Yet another antenna may detect wind, or tide.

We all have them, and we all receive signals.  But we all receive different kinds of signals, and at varying degrees of strengths.

Some of us have antennas that are more sensitive than others.  For example:

• Physical: you body may react more strongly to medicine, food, and other physical conditions.
• Sensory: you may have sensitive eyes or hearing.
• Emotional: you may feel and empathize more deeply, like crying watching TV or reading a book.

The last kind is what I’ll mainly address here, though what I have to say may apply to other kinds of sensitivity.

Examples of Sensitivity

So, a sensitive antenna can get more out of a signal.  Let’s say you’re hearing something.  And you can discern words and meanings.  However, the sensitive ears may be able to hear more clearly and may be able to obtain more information — the little nuances, what kind of accents the speakers may have, the feelings behind what they are saying, and so on.

Let’s say you’re listening to music.  And you like to hear it at the volume level 5.  It’s loud but comfortably so, for you.

How will that feel to a person with sensitive ears?

Another example: you grew up in a family where everyone has a “potty mouth.”  One day, in a conversation to a friend, you jokingly say “ah, shut up.”

And you’re startled by the awkward silence that follows, accompanied by a pained look on your friend’s face.

Where you come from, “shut up” is a casual little phrase that is uttered often, nonchalantly.

Where your friend comes from, the same phrase is a curse or a rebuke, only reserved for more dire situations.

Your Sensitive Antenna

It’s hard, sometimes, to accept that you have a sensitive antenna.

My wife and I have largely become devoid of visual stimuli over the last few years.  We don’t watch TV and we seldom watch movies in theaters.  The only exception is that we rent Star Trek (currently watching Deep Space Nine) from Netflicks, and for my kids, a steady diet of A Little House on the Prairie, Veggie Tales, Berenstein Bears and Sesame Street.

This year, I saw one movie in a theater.  Pixar’s Wall-E.

And I came out of the theater, motion-sick.

Now, this is not the Blair Witch Project or Cloverfield.  This is Pixar.  Everybody watches Pixar’s movies.  They make it tolerable (well, they do more than that) for everyone’s viewing.

Except apparently, my system is now too sensitive for a modern-day cinema experience.  It’s a bummer, as I haven’t heard of anyone else getting motion-sick from a mere Pixar movie.  I really wanted to enjoy my one theater experience, but what goes for a general family entertainment is too strong a stimulus for me. 

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One of my close friends is my friend Lorie Marsh, who is an independent film producer.

She and I met in Austin, Texas, in 2000, when I was getting into making music for indie films.  She was shooting her first short, and we hit it off really well.

A while after the film was finished, I proposed to her that we start a peer-mentoring partnership, by getting together on a regular basis and taking turns mentoring each other.  I remember hesitating before making such an initiative, but in the end, I’m really glad I took the risk — it started one of the most enduring and productive friendships in my life.  I have many fond memories of talking to Lorie, and our sessions produced many a-ha moments, inspirations and motivations.

She and I have been together in our many ups and downs of our artistic careers.  I remember one time where we role-played a therapy session in which a teenage version of me came out and talked about why I thought I was no good as a guitar player.  It was a revelatory session that eventually led to my raising that inner child and gaining a more solid confidence in myself as a musician.

To this day, this practice continues, and she and I are entering new phases in our careers in the adapted hometown of St. Paul, MN, where both of us with our respective families moved together, semi-intentionally.

Unique Power of Peer-Mentoring

There are many reasons why peer-mentoring relationships can be very powerful.  Unlike more hierarchical relationship of traditional teacher-student or mentor-mentee, peer-mentoring is truly about partnership, bonded by a sense that “we are in it together.”  Though Lorie and I were pursuing different industries, there were many similarities to our challenges and how we felt about them.  When we relate to each other, we know that such a connection is based on our shared first-hand experience.  The other person has really recently gone through the same thing.  Also, peer-mentoring is about reciprocating — helping and being helped.  It charges us in a very powerful way, because both helping and being helped are energizing experience.  You don’t feel like you’re taking advantage of someone or you’re at the other person’s mercy.  You feel that you really made a difference in someone’s life, while your own itches were also scratched.

How to Make Peer-Mentoring Work

Even though you form this relationship with your peers, it’s in your best interest to give it a little structure to maximize its impact.  Here are some guidelines we follow, though some more loosely than others:

• Meet on a regular basis. Are you sporadic about your pursuits?  If so, then I’m sure that’ll show in your results, or lack thereof.  If you want it to work, you gotta make it a habit.
• Take turns focusing on one party. Lorie and I always take turns being the mentor and mentee.  Otherwise, a loose conversation has too great a chance for going adrift.  When it’s our time to mentor, we just set aside our own issues and listen and respond.
• Keep each other accountable. Need I say more?
• Be honest. If your personal security and friendship aren’t secure enough for honesty, then you can’t really give useful feedback.  When the situation calls for it, be honest and say “I’ll support you with whatever decisions you make, but if I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t do what you’re doing.”
• Be always supportive. As I said above, this is about helping each other gain clarity and be productive.  Sometimes your partner will choose to do something you wouldn’t, and that shouldn’t affect your support for each other.  After all, being a mentor doens’t mean you make your mentee what you think is right.

I truly believe that we are the ones who do the teaching, not the teachers/mentors/coaches/doctors that we pay money to provide us information.  I am definitely not advocating that teachers, consultants and coaches are useless.  But Lorie and I solved a lot of problems on our own, simply by thinking out loud and bouncing ideas off of each other.  Don’t underestimate the power of a friendship. Go bring in the experts where you need such knowledge, but if you want more long-term, mutually beneficial, go-get-em-tiger productive partnership, find yourself a trusted friend or two and form a peer-mentoring group.  Teachers can teach you what to do — and peers can help you do them.

Do You Want to Join a Peer-Mentoring Group?

I am forming Blog Entrepreneur Mentoring Club, a peer-mentoring community of aspiring bloggers.  You can read more about what I’m proposing — or simply enter your e-mail below to be notified when I’m ready to open the doors.

cforms contact form by delicious:days

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Introduction: My Mother’s Calling

My mother is a missionary. Well, that’s how I describe her to my English-speaking friends, as that is the closest word I can use to describe what she does. She is an ordained Christian minister acting mainly as a volunteer community organizer in a poor northeastern region of Brazil.

Why is she doing that, when she’s getting up in ages, has no need to work, and has lost her husband?

It’s because it’s her calling.

Despite her challenges, whenever I talk to her I feel an undeniable sense of fulfillment she feels. It’s not an overt, ecstatic eruption of joy, but more like a relief of doing what he/she is meant to do. It’s hard to describe if you’ve never experienced it, but there is a sensation of release that comes from doing no pretending, no forcing, only doing what’s essential to you.

She pursuing her calling, and she feels fulfilled. She has reached self actualization.

What Prepared Her

Like most women of her generation in Japan, she spent over half of adult life being a housewife. But she wasn’t without ambitions — she went to college and majored in pre-law, but then switched her major (very difficult to do in Japanese colleges) and got a degree in English education. Unfortunately her English rusted away as she never actually taught it or used it the years when she stayed at home.

Around the time I was born, her mother had a seizure and gad a surgery that removed parts of the brain that coordinated motor functions in her body. For a few years afterward, she retained some of her mobility, but after that, she became completely bed-ridden. My mother was not the oldest child in the family but her older sister was mentally challenged, so she was the main one who took care for her mother. When I was 4 we moved into my grandparents’ house — this was a stressful time, as my mother single-handedly took care of the 7-person household, which included me, my little brother, the aforementioned aunt, the bed-ridden grandmother, and my grandfather and my father who were mostly gone because of their jobs.

The most stressful part of this era lasted about 2 years.  Eventually we moved to another part of town, but she took care of her mother on and off for 10 years. When my grandmother passed away, I’m sure there was quite a bit of relief felt inside her.

Shortly after that, my family moved to São Paulo, Brazil because my father was transferred there by his company. Between them, the two cultures were literally worlds apart. There was a major culture shock initially but my family embraced Brazil for its more relaxed, happy-go-lucky culture. It was a nice change from the rigorous, driven and busy Japan.

While there, my parents encountered poverty that was beyond anything they knew prior to that. Yet they were also struck by how pure and hopeful these people were.  Inspired by this experience, my parents decided to go into ministry.

Upon returning to Japan after 5 years (and I came to US), my father quit his job and they both put themselves through seminary.  Upon becoming ordained, my parents went back to Brazil, to serve a Japanese church in São Paulo. Suprisingly, Brazil has the largest Japanese community outside of Japan.

The church they were at couldn’t afford to hire two pastors, so my father became the pastor and my mother became the head of the kindergarten that the church owned and operated. But this kindergarten was plagued with poor finance and operation to begin with, and never having run such an institution before, my mother struggled immensely at first. The church ended up stopping operation of the kindergarten shortly thereafter, and my mother was exhausted and spent, having taken responsibility for something that was cleary not her calling.

Pieces Coming Together

Upon recovering, she explored what other services she could offer to the community. The Japanese immigrants in Brazil were from pre-WWII era, and thus are old and dying.  So she thought up an idea to start a day service, basically a once-a-week elderly day care in which these Japanese elders can interact with each other, in their native tongue.

Here is where she felt the threads of life coming together in an unexpected way. In organizing this service, she established a non-profit organization, and wrote out all the job/volunteer roles and by-laws, where her pre-law training came in handy. Her teaching degree was useful in training other volunteers. And 10 years of caring for her own mother gave her insights on how to serve and meet the needs of these elders.

Christened as “Shalom”, her elderly day-service was very well-received. Embraced by both participants and volunteers, soon the organization ballooned up to over 30 volunteers and dozens of elderly. Even though she chose not to make it a religious organization, she was often asked to lead funerals and memorial services since she was an ordained minister, so her pastoral skills were also used.   One day a week became two, and by the time she left it to go back to Japan because my father became terminally ill, she had successfully trained her volunteer staff to take over and keep the organization going without her. The Japanese community of São Paulo gave her an award of appreciation for her community service.

On to a Greater Challenge

After my father passed away, my mother was overcome by her desire to return to Brazil. Upon seeing that Shalom was still thriving and had no need for her to return, she set her sight on the poorer northeastern region, where she and my father traveled many times and had acquaintances. This would be a greater challenge, as this time she would be immersed among real Brazilians. Unfazed, she dove right in with a 6-months stay this year. Next year she is officially going to begin a 3-year term as a missionary.

Although this year’s stay was mainly to explore what needs she could meet, her community organizing skills already were used in heading up a sewing class, giving women job skills. One day she told me about a young woman who was accepted to another job training course , but she couldn’t go because she had no means of getting to her class. She was too poor even to pay the measly bus fare! This prompted my mother to explore the possibility of establishing a fund that provides financial assistance to folks who are getting job training.

The Sense of Being Prepared

I can tell that she is firmly self-actualized, as despite immense challenges she faces, she is never discouraged, always energized, and radiantly happy. It took her until well into her 50s, but she has found her calling. Her health permitting (she is a very healthy woman over all), she plans to continue her work well into her 70s. I won’t be surprised if she does carry on until she’s quite old, as self actualization is a very rejuvenating state. I’m sure you’ve seen people who don’t look their age because they are engaged in meaningful work.

She told me a few times over the years that she had this sense that her life up to that point was preparing her for this work. In her case, the seemingly dissimilar skills such as pre-law studies and terminal care came together marvelously to enable her to do what was needed. I know that she felt gratified and fulfilled by having just the skills to call up when the situation called for it.

I’ve said before that your calling lies where your needs and the world’s needs meet. But as we go through the journey of inventorying our interests and assets, and exploring where we can use them to meet needs — we sometimes end up in an unimaginable place, utilizing previously unthinkable combinations of tools. It may be hard to imagine unless you’ve seen it, but it is a sense that somehow all the major pieces you acquired in your life all end up coming together, being used in such a unique way, that you just can’t imagine anybody else doing it.

I believe that one of the keys to achieving self actualization is finding a place where the unique combination of gifts you possess becomes integral to providing value to the world. And the more of your assets are being utilized, the more fulfilling it feels. The tricky part is, sometimes our skills and interests do seem incompatible, in that you have a hard time imagining a job or a role where all of them are being utilized.

But there is no such thing as a useless talent. If you haven’t found the place where your unique offerings are needed, that simply means you haven’t traveled far enough in your journey. The more unique the particular combinations of gifts you have, the harder you may have to search to find the place where you are needed.

But don’t give up, keep searching. The reward will be truly great when you find it. People will shout and scream for joy ar your arrival, for all along, they were waiting for you. For you are the only one — nobody else can do it.

Find a Hole Only You Can Fill

So in your personal evolution, I urge you to take stocks of pieces that are important to you, no matter how dissimilar and incompatible they seem. Then search for a situation where all of your important assets are used/needed.

In the process, you may end up inventing a new job. Look at Chrstine Kane, for example — a singer/songwriter/coach/inspirational speaker. Probably not a job title that existed before she made it up. Similarly, in my business plan I’m proposing to be a musician/blogger/community organizer/mentor/entrepreneur. I, too, am making it up, because no existing business is creative enough to think of how such a person can provide value to the world. But after 13 years of seeking, I finally found a way. If you don’t want to wait until your 50s or spend over a dozen years until reaching self actualization, do yourself a favor and go see my coach, Tom Volkar. His coaching service is uniquely designed to help you find a hole that’s shaped exactly like you.

Conclusion: Surrender to Your Uniqueness

We are all unique, there are no two people who are the same. True, most of our skills are not unique by themselves — but the particular combinations of them that you possess, and how they were shaped and developed in your life, is unduplicatable.

And when you reach self actualization — a fully realized you — you will be living a role that only you can fulfill. Do not accept any less. If your current situation doesn’t utilize all the diverse assets you have to offer, keep searching, keep upgrading, so that more and more of them are engaged. When all the essential ones are being utilized, you will feel fulfillment in a way never possible before. This is self actualization.  And this is one of the best contribution you can make to the world.

Have You Seen It?

Have you ever encountered an opportunity, a need or a role that you can’t imagine anyone else meeting it? Do you know anybody who has or unique/weird/eccentric jobs or roles? Please share your stories.

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Have you made a mistake of trying to break a bad habit alone, relying solely on your will power and motivation?

I have.

And more often than not, I did fail, and it really damaged my self-esteem.

Recently, I was reading my kids The Berenstain Bears and the Bad Habit. In it, Mama Bear explains that a habit is like a groove she made on her path to garden with her wheelbarrow. She has taken the same path over and over again, that the groove has gotten deep. Since it’s exactly in a place where the single wheel of the wheelbarrow travels, it’s hard not to go into the groove, making it even deeper each time. It’s gotten deep enough that once in, she can’t get the wheel out in the middle of the path by herself.

Breaking a deeply ingrained bad habit is like trying to climb a solid wall that’s higher than you. Can you lift yourself up with just your will power?

The 7 Keys to Breaking Bad Habits

In an article titled “Habit Change Is Like Chess” and also in his book Personal Development for Smart People, Steve Pavlina discusses that the key to successfully breaking bad habits lies in strategy, not determination. When you thoroughly map out your strategy for change, determination becomes just one of the ingredients, not the sole driver.

So what goes into a successful strategy for breaking bad habits? Let’s take a common example — changing a bad eating habit. You want to stop eating junk food.

Here are 7 critical areas to consider:

1. Reduce Stress. Bad habits often form as a compensator/coping mechanism for stresses in your life. Reduce/remove external sources of stress, so you don’t have to compensate for it. Eat healthy meals, get enough sleep, exercise. Don’t underestimate the stress of boredom — not being properly stimulated regularly is a stressful state to your body. This will help boost your internal resource in holding up a higher standard for yourself.
2. Optimize Your Environment. First of all, you need to set up an environment optimized for your habit change. Toss out all junk food, tell your family/roommates not to bring in any. Change your paths so you’re not driving/walking by places that sell junk food, and stop carrying loose cash so you’re not tempted to spend it on vending machines.
3. Prepare a Replacement. Don’t just drop a habit and leave an empty space where that’s used to being filled. Prepare an alternative, a better replacement. In case of food, treat yourself to healthier and more delicious snacks. Eat more of your big meals so you’re not hungry. Make it so that you have no reason to revert to your bad habit — you have something that makes you feel better and still fill the same void! Make this replacement easily available, so whenever you’re tempted, you can easily grab it.
4. Define a Time Frame. Of course, your overall goal is to change habits forever, but to aim for forever from the beginning is too overwhelming. There is a good reason why 30-day trial (another Pavlina-ism) has become a standard among PD/SI community. Pick a manageable time frame where that’s long enough to create a new groove on your path.
5. Remove Ambiguity and Make It Measurable. Along with a time frame, be sure to define your habit change clearly and set up metrics to make sure you can measure it. If you’re fighting junk food, write down the list of food that is getting banned from your life, or define what is “junk food” for you.
6. Make Yourself Accountable. Tell other people of your 30-day challenge and ask them to hold you accountable. The more people know about your habit change, the better.
7. Give Yourself a Reward. In addition to a replacement, prepare a nice reward at the completion. Make it something really good, something you don’t usually allow yourself to have. Make it available right on the day after you complete your time frame, and think about it everyday.

Conclusion: Move in for the Kill

After you thoroughly set up your tactics in all 7 areas, then commence your habit change. When you build this much scaffolding around your success, it’s going to be impossible to fail.

I’m sure there are other great tips for successful habit change. What bad habits have you successfully broken in your life? And what was the key ingredient in that success?

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I’m doing a research for my business plan. And I need to make a projection (a very educated guess ;-)) of what I can realistically achieve if I blogged full-time for a year.

Let’s just say that I’m going to do most of things “right” (I plan to work with blog consultants/coaches to make sure I do, if I do get going on this) and that I have chosen niches that aren’t going to tap out only after a year of blogging.

I need to look at this from two sets of numbers:

1. Traffic — monthly visits/visitors/page-views, and
2. Advertising income. This is only one of my revenue streams, but I do need to know.

For example, Steve Pavlina was pulling in about 400k visitors per month and $1400 in Adsense revenue on his 13th month of full-time blogging, according to his post.  I am guessing that is an exceptional growth, one that I can’t expect to match in the current climate.  But can I expect to be half as good? A quarter? Are there any other bloggers who matched Steve’s growth in one year, or exceeded it?   What is a realistic estimate of what I can achieve if I blogged full time for a year?

Any guess? And who should I go ask? Tina Su? Leo Babauta? They may be too big to be bothered by someone like me — who else is in a position to give me an educated guess? I did send an e-mail to Mr. Remarkablogger.

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—

I once had a co-worker who hated her job. Her job stress was so much, that it was hurting her body. She wore those wrist supports to nurse her injury.

Her husband made enough money, so she didn’t need to work. She had dreams of becoming a candle-maker. She told me in great details about how she can make candles that have much stronger and nicer scents than commercially sold ones.

“Why are you still here?” I asked.

“Oh no, I won’t be here for long. I’m going to quit soon.”

She said that for months, and she was still there when I left.

Fear of Success -> Fear of Hope -> Fear of Failure

Have you ever heard someone say “I don’t want to have my hopes up?”

This is a classic statement of fear of success.

When your default state is that of non-success, success becomes foreign and unbelievable to you. You just don’t trust it, because you just don’t see it in your life.

On a conscious level, you think you want it. But deep down, you mistrust such a notion, because your environment doesn’t provide any proofs.

If you’ve been bullied constantly in school, it’s hard to believe that a school without bullying exists. You may understand it in concept, but it’s hard to believe that it’s possible in your life.

You actually want such a life, but you don’t want to believe in it, for fear that you’ll be wrong. How can you justify believing, when you don’t see any evidence to do so? Believing becomes a risk. Hoping becomes a risk. You just don’t want to hope, and risk disappointment.

When you’re in a state where you’re already low in resources, you just can’t take that kind of risk. To hope, and to fail, would be too big of a blow. You’re so taxed, hurt and strained already.

So you’d rather stay put, and tolerate the familiar and mundane stress of non-success. You submit to your fear of failure. Better to deal with the devil you know, right?

Are You Sabotaging Your Success?

Such a thought pattern can last years and decades, taking deep roots inside you. When good things happen to you, you just say stuff like “oh, I was just lucky. It won’t last.” That kind of self-defeating talk feels safer.

When your default state is non-success, a success requires a change. A change is rife with discomfort and risk. I don’t know what held back my co-worker above. Maybe she didn’t want to upset her boss by quitting. Maybe she didn’t want to pursue candle-making seriously because it was her passion and she didn’t want to risk failing with it. Maybe she loathed the prospect of resumes and job applications and interviews — all potentially cumbersome, stressful and failure-rich processes. Whatever her reasons were, she feared it enough to stay put.

Your Resources Are Like a Bank Account

Consider yourself to be a bank account. When your daily, normal life draws money out of your account, you keep going negative. You compensate for it, probably by indulging — over-eating, over-shopping, TVs, caffeine, cigarettes, and so on. These loan you money temporarily so your account is not so depleted, though actually after that temporary replenishment is over, it depletes you more, necessitating you to employ even quicker and more drastic fixes to make up for it.

Now, changing is like an investment. You have to take money out of your account first, and it has potential to pay you back a lot more later. But how can you do that, when your account is already deep in negatives? How can you do that, when your life doesn’t give you any proof that such an investment will pay off? Steps toward your success simply appear to be another element that depletes your account, with the sweet promise of pay off. Except these investments’ pay off comes later and its return uncertain. You’d rather engage in quick life-me-ups, as the effect is instant and investment, none.

Replenish Your Account to Fight Fear of Failure

When you’re stuck in this downward spiral, it’s much to ask to battle fear of success. The first order of business lies in replenishing your account. I’m sure the how of doing so is obvious: reduce stress, engage in healthier activities, sleep, exercise, take a break, and so on. This is how small victories can pave ways for bigger ones. You don’t need to take your eyes off of the big problems, but start first with little ones, the low-hanging fruits. Make it a habit to celebrate one small victory everyday.

This will lead to boosts in your resources, and you’ll become more able to take bigger risks. Your habits of success will overwhelm your fear of failure. You will stop fearing your success, as it becomes a normal, regular part of your life — something very familiar.

Conclusion

Fear of success has its roots in fear of failure. And it is also a sign that your resources are low. When success feels like a dangerous investment, boost your resources so that you can afford that investment. Combine that, with making success a routine, normal part of your life — and you’ll have no need to sabotage your success.

Can you think of a situation in your own life, when you resisted a positive change? How did you overcome such a resistance?

—-

Shout-outs to my fellow bloggers who wrestled with this issue: Lance (read what he has to say on fear) and Scott.

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One of my current challenges is to stop staying up too late.

I know, it’s really not a huge problem — but nevertheless, it is on my list of habits to change. It’s unhealthy and potentially dangerous, as I can get sleepy when I’m driving.

The thing is, though, I’d have a few days of going to bed on time, and feeling rested. But after 3-4 days, my body starts craving the tiredness from sleep deprivation.

Can you believe it? I actually crave it!

So much so that I just feel too much energy at my bed time. And when I have the energy, I go “I’m not tired yet — I can go have some fun, or get something useful done.”

What I Am Used to

We’re all creatures of habits, and we all feel uncomfortable with unknowns.

These two qualities can play against our healing and growth.

What’s happening to me is that my body is so accustomed to the state of sleep deprivation that it feels normal.

Similarly, if you live a life that’s really not to your liking, you still get used to that being normal.

The other day, I took a day off from my work to spend a day doing what I love to do.

I was sitting in a local coffeehouse with my laptop, but for the first hour or so I was very distracted — I kept looking over my shoulder to see if someone (from my work, perhaps?) would just come in and discover me doing something I’m not supposed to be doing.

I took a very legitimate vacation day, with the blessing from my boss! My family was engaged elsewhere, so I wasn’t needed there either. The day was all mine — and what I chose to do with it was nobody else’s business.

Then why did I feel so uncomfortable?

Because normal, to me, is spending my day meeting someone else’s needs.

Once I got over this initial discomfort, I went on to have the time of my life. It was a great day.

Fear of Success — at least a Part of It

These experience informed me about what it is we’re up against in our pursuit of our success:

1. Success is a foreign concept to our system, and
2. Our system wants what’s familiar to it.

Together, these can create a very potent self-sabotage system. I’m not saying that’s all there is to fear of success, but it is at least a part of it.

If you’re used to processed, unhealthy food, healthy food may not taste good to you. Your healthier, leaner body may feel foreign to you. It takes your switching your default mode — what is “normal” to your system — for you to sustain that state.

If you’re used to being belittled by your family, friends and colleagues, you don’t have much faith in a situation where everybody praises and affirms you. You’d think there’s something wrong with that picture! The chances are, you’d think the situation wouldn’t last long — and when you’re back being belittled, you’d feel a strange sense of comfort, knowing that you landed back to the reality as you know it.

Strategies for Successful Change

I won’t go into specifics, as this applies to many cases, from habit change to career advancement to a broader sense of success in your life. But through them all, a few core principles do emerge:

1. Reduce stress and boost your resources. Even if it’s a positive change, it’s still taxing to your systems. Get sleep, eat well, exercise, line up your friends to rally around you — so you can get over the initial discomfort.
2. Experience success, in however small ways you can. My day of living the way I want was such an attempt — now that I worked over the initial hump, next time I will not have to deal with my fear of success as much. But it’s even better if it’s in small but regular dosages. This is why ideas like 30-day trials are so powerful. (Read about Hunter’s trial) The idea is to get your system used to your success.
3. Do it in increments. Since succeeding is a stressful change, don’t necessarily go for big changes — take baby steps, get used to the change, and then go for a bigger one. If you do plan to go for a big one, be sure to do more of #1 & 2.

Here’s the bottom line: you can beat the fear of success by making success feel normal to you. I’m sure there are all kinds of tricks, hacks and techniques for producing that result.

What was your fear of success? And if you beat it, how did you do it?

—

Still need to learn more about fear of success?  Read the continuation: Are You Sabotaging Your Success?

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—

I once had a co-worker who told me that she loves to write.

Naturally, I told her that I’d love to read what she wrote.

But her reply was like this: “I don’t let anyone read it. It’s too important to me.”

The Burden of Gifts

Often, when I share that I am a musician and that I play the guitar, people say things like this: Oh, I have no musical talent. I don’t have any talents.

I do accept and am grateful for my gifts. However, I didn’t always feel that way. When I was little, I thought my musical talent was worthless — as all the kids good at music were girls. Boys were supposed to be good at sports! I wished I could run faster, kick the ball harder, or climb trees higher. There were probably 1 boy playing the piano to every 20 girls.

All that changed when I was a teenager and discovered rock music. Soon I started playing the guitar.

Talent, meet passion.

I still didn’t feel gifted or anything, but I loved what I was doing. I wrote my first song when I was 18. I enthusiastically played my song to everyone with ears to listen, thinking that they would love it as much as I did.

To my great surprise, this was not always the case. Most people didn’t openly say that they hated it, but I could pickup awkwardness or insincerity in their response. They didn’t like it.

I was devastated.

Soon I became more careful about who to show my precious jewels that are my songs. I just couldn’t stand the rejection, the disappointment. And who am I to say my songs are good, when so many others don’t agree? Maybe my songs aren’t so good.

Talents, gifts, passions. These are qualities people admire — but some may not realize how such things can be a burden and a source of fear. To use it involves a risk — of being rejected.  Of being wrong.

But to not use it is also a risk. Of not being fulfilled. And of regretting.

Persistence Pays Off

Even after those initial stings, I kept on writing songs and sharing it. I simply felt too passionate about what I was doing not to do so otherwise. The sting of rejection never goes away completely, but I got used to it. But some days, I wished if my passion was something less risky, something easier to pursue.

Fortunately, I did find people who liked what I was doing. My craft also got more realized, to a point where people could see goodness in it.

I can’t begin to describe the ecstasy I feel every time someone buys my CD or leaves a glowing review. But the best part is that the person who bought it is very excited and grateful, too.

The gratifying part of sharing is that both the giver and receiver feel grateful. One act of sharing makes two people happy. I can’t think of anything better to happen.

Yet this is only possible because I licked my early wounds, gathered my courage and kept on sharing.

The Courageous Choice

Allow me to state the obvious here. What good is the greatest song in the world, the very best novel in the world, if it stayed inside head?

No good. No good at all.

By choosing to spare your fragile heart the chance to get hurt, you’re also locking up a great potential, an opportunity to make the greatest contribution in your life. For the best things we can create in life are those that we create with passion. Consider it this way: the scarier it is to share, the more power your creation contains within. No, I’m not saying your first piece will be a blockbuster. But the art you create with your passion — whether it’s blogging, poetry, painting, photography, pottery, figure skating — its overall potential for impact can be measured by the depth of your passion. However precise, advanced or well-executed, an art without heart cannot touch other hearts. It is what you pour into it that can reach out and touch others.

Some others, of course, and that is the scary part. Nobody is spared from the sting of rejection. Not everyone loves Beethoven, Shakespere, or every song by the Beatles. The more passionate you are about what you’re doing, the greater the potential of hurt also.

Yet, you must take those chances. As hard as it may be, that is the only way if you plan to live a life without regret.

Speak of being a burden! Is it a happy life when you have passion so great that it forces you to do it, even when the world appears to disagree?

But this is what I believe: if you create with passion, refine it with passion, get better passionately — your contribution will be well-received eventually. By someone, somewhere, and they may not be where you think they are. It may surprise you how many, and how deeply your offering will reach.

Your job is to surrender yourself to your passion. And travel the world to find people whose needs you can meet with that passion of yours.

They are out there. And connecting with them will bring you joy you never thought possible. You really owe it to yourself to seek this reward.

I know it’s scary, I know it can hurt terribly. But when you persist until you connect those dots, your passion and people who needs your passion –

The world will thank you.

You will thank you.

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